


In Session

by mightyfinebear



Series: Chicago Med AU [4]
Category: Chicago Med
Genre: Awkwardness, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Mentions of Death, Miscarriage, Multi, Oral Sex, Rape Recovery, Rough Sex, Sex, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:47:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightyfinebear/pseuds/mightyfinebear
Summary: This story picks up after April and Will's fall out, April is beginning therapy and trying to deal with the loss of not only her friendship with Will but the news that he is dating Natalie. A quick exchange with Connor opens the door for her to move on but is it really possible when she's still in love with Will?





	1. Off Limits

**Author's Note:**

> This is the Welcome Home Pt.1 &2 and Study Buddies world. The situations are continuations of those fics so there will be lanuguage, memories and actions taken from them as well as canon storylines from the show.

“April, do you think we should start discussing the ‘off limits’ category?” Dr. Winkler asked kindly.

April had been meeting with Dr. Winkler twice a week for the last two months. Their sessions had started slow but were steady; with Dr. Winkler trying to get to know April and also trying to get her to discuss her attack.

She could talk about her feelings but he noticed she always spoke around the incident. It was an untouchable nerve she still didn’t want to approach but each week he asked hoping that he could get to the root of the panic attacks she spoke about.

She’d only had the two and he knew she was talking around them too. His suggestion was part of their routine but just as routine was April’s response. She could feel her heart rate rise and her skin felt flushed at the question. Dr. Winkler noticed and raised a hand.

“We don’t have to of course, but I can’t help but notice you and Dr. Rhodes have been spending a lot of time together,” he remarked.

“Yeah we have,” April said a little bashful at the revelation.

She hadn’t thought anyone really noticed.

“My advice would be to limit the physical aspects of the relationship until we can at least address the “off limits” topics, do you think that's something that you can do?”

April nodded her head in agreement.

Everything was still fairly new between her and Connor. She hadn’t been with anyone since Will and that experience had been so dark and complex she was actually nervous about doing anything physical that would repeat that incident.

She wanted to be happy but in all sincerity she had wanted to be with Will, but she felt she had been too severe in her rejection. April had seen it in his eyes when they spoke about the rift between them but they only addressed their friendship. April never corrected the falsehood that she didn’t want a relationship or that she said all of it out of anger and defensiveness. It all seemed a moot point since he’d begun dating Natalie, and for April it was the realization that he was finally with the woman he’d always wanted; one that didn’t come with the kind of baggage she had. April was satisfied that Will was happy but her feelings for him hadn't vanished.

Connor wasn’t a consolation prize; it was a rekindling that had begun to blaze even while April was actively avoiding her feelings for Will. Weeks prior it had started when April came across some of Connor’s clothes she'd borrowed when she stayed the night at his place. She put his hoodie in her bag before work and went up to the surgical floor to give it to him.

“Hey Connor I found some more of your stuff,” she stated sheepishly.

He smiled at her apprehensiveness, but he also loved the fact that some of his stuff was still at her place. It seemed silly but it made him feel like there was still a part of him that was still with her.

“Wasn’t there a matching bottom that went with this?” Connor asked teasing her a bit.

April laughed, “You’re right! I’ll get them back to you as soon as I can.”

“There’s no rush,” Connor answered flirtatiously with his arms behind his back leaning his body towards her.

April nodded with a blushed smirk and turned to go back downstairs to start her shift. When she came down the stairs she saw Will and Natalie just coming off a quick peck on the lips as Natalie was leaving and Will was coming in to start his shift. The action made her freeze and her entire body felt ran over. Will turned and their eyes met. His were happy and content; slowly filling with complexity over seeing April standing there. She put her hand up and waved with a half-smile. It was all she could gather of her resolve. Her eyes told a different story they were shattered with sadness and heartbreak. She quickly took off walking to avoid a conversation.

The next day April grabbed the bottoms to Connor’s sweat suit set and headed to work. They were slammed and she didn’t have a moment to go upstairs and return them but at the end of the night, just when she was walking out she saw him heading out too. His presence reminded her of the clothes in her bag.

“Connor! Wait up!”

April skipped over to him. His face lit up and those beautiful blue eyes were bright and shining through her again. She looked away unable to keep from smiling at him.

“I have the other half,” April said producing the bottoms with glee.

“So there they are,” Connor said with faux longing to tease April.

“To be honest I forget I had them. I sort of melded them into my wardrobe, they were actually in my dirty clothes pile believe it or not,” April said bashfully.

They were walking now; she was keeping step with him in whatever direction he was heading.

“Oh yeah?” Connor asked interestedly.

“Yeah, actually I wore them a lot when….um…,” April stopped mid-sentence regretting her choice to go down memory lane.

Connor lifted his eyebrow staring at her his eyes hadn’t wavered, they were piercing through her like old times. She looked down.

“When I was pregnant, towards the end of my first trimester. I would get home get out of my scrubs, you know that feeling of getting work off of you? Anyway, I would get in the shower and put these on,” April said a little apologetically.

The inquisitiveness transitioned to a longing in Connor’s eyes.

“I wish I could’ve have seen you like that, the look of your stomach, felt him move,” Connor said with a despondence April hadn’t heard since the day they lost their baby.

They were stopped in the middle of the side walk and without realizing it Connor had reached his hand out to April’s stomach; lightly running the tips of his fingers down it, falling away at her belly button.

April was staring at him, his eyes staring down. They stood for a moment. He looked up a bittersweet smile stretched on his face. They were standing in front of Molly’s.

“Do you want to come in and have a drink?” Connor asked until the irony of his question hit them both and they laughed at the grimness of it all.

“Uh probably not the best idea right now, but maybe next time,” April said smiling.

Connor nodded with a smile and headed into the bar.

It was in that moment that she wondered what an alternate world would’ve been like; one where they had their son, and there was no betrayal, no death, no Sam Zanetti.

April had an early morning session with Dr. Winkler and she needed to get some sleep so she headed home and went directly to her dirty pile; grabbing a pair of worn sweatpants.The softness and comfort were inviting; too inviting. Immediately she realized she had Connor’s pants on and she had no idea what she gave him.

The next morning Dr. Winkler was walking April out of his office when she caught sight of Connor on the elevator. He was going down and a few people were getting off,but when he saw her he put his hand in between the doors to stop it. April felt exposed. She knew that there was nothing to be ashamed about but being in therapy, hell any medical procedure that she had to have, she found to be too revealing; especially to her colleagues.

She said goodbye to Dr. Winkler and he retreated back to his office. She shot her eyes to the nearest stairwell and took off running. Connor stopped halfway down the hall realizing that she was avoiding him. He knew her.

April had gotten the entire way home still carrying a bit of shame at running from Connor and at him seeing her coming from therapy. She sat on her couch her eyes closing. She hadn’t intended on taking a nap nor did she realize she had until she heard the knock at the door. She turned on a lamp; wiping her eyes, and got up to get the door; it was Connor. He was holding up a pair of pants with the words “Nurses Do It Better” across the butt.

“These would look cute on me but no one would believe I’m tough enough to be a nurse,” Connor said with a grin.

Instantly she smiled, “I’m sorry I really thought those were it, please come in.”

Connor walked in; taking in the fresh surroundings. She had a few new pieces of furniture, a different couch, sofa table, and a coffee table he’d never seen. There were familiar items; her pictures of her family, April with a penguin in South America, and a new picture of her and Will; neither looking too serious, but it sat framed with the rest on her sofa table.

“I haven’t had the chance to wash them yet, I could if you want me to,” April said with a yawn.

“I might never see them again if you do,” Connor smirked, “So I was thinking on the way over,I swear, I don’t remember leaving so much of my stuff with you," he said prodding through his memories.

“I actually went home in those,” April said blushing.

Connor still looked confused trying to rack his memory.

“The blue dress,” April said clearing her throat.

The memory brought a smirk to her face when she thought about Connor tearing her dress down her body in a hasty effort to get to her; ultimately destroying it.

“ _Oh yeah_ ,” he said laughing, “ _So_ I couldn’t help but notice you at the hospital today,” Connor said with concern in his voice.

April felt bare again, she darted her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I’m still working through some stuff.”

“I hope I didn’t provoke anything yesterday, I probably shouldn’t have been touching you,” Connor admitted apologetically.

“No, it’s alright. I don’t get a chance to talk about David with anyone that really understands,” April said softly.

“David?” Connor asked, his eyes vulnerable at the name.

“After Dr. Downey, it’s what I called him the first time I felt him move, it was like butterflies,” April admitted for the first time to anyone.

The vulnerability sitting at the surface of her doe eyes as they met the vast ocean of Connor’s.

The love he always felt for her pushed forward and he realized as much as he wanted to be her friend it may not be a possibility. He stepped towards her putting his hand out to squeeze hers. The goose bumps ran up her arms and his too. She smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Can I offer you something to drink?”

“I’d like that,” Connor answered.

They shared the past year over a glass of iced-tea laughing about his awkward experiences with Dr. Latham and some bad dates he'd went on. April couldn’t help but bring up Will and the weird people they met when they were finding him a roommate. Their conversation took them into the later parts of the evening and the time was getting to Connor,who was beginning to yawn, so she got ready to walk him out.

“You know to be fair I never got that blue dress back,” April said coquettishly opening the door to let Connor step out.

“How about I send you a new dress, you can wear it on Saturday when I take you to dinner,” he stated; matching her tone and stepping closer to her.

“Okay,” April said smiling taking another step towards him.

They stared into each other’s eyes like no time had gone by and kissed. It was light; with no tongues exchanged but it fit the mood and their feelings.

She closed the door and leaned against it; a smile stretching across her face, her eyes wondering around her place until they landed on the picture of her and Will on the sofa table. Her smile began to dissolve as she realized that she would talk to her best friend about this and he to her but things were messy and she had no idea how to make them right.

 


	2. Whiteknuckled Will-Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will isn't ready to forgive and forget so quickly. April's rejection was too harsh and now he's licking his wounds and trying his best to breathe life into his new relationship with Natalie but with April entering his thoughts how long will it take for Natalie to notice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * So somehow the beginning of this got cut off...no idea how but sorry to anyone that read this with the conversation as the beginning.

Will seeing April watch him kiss Natalie formed a pit in stomach that he wished wasn’t there. The last time they spoke they’d tip-toed around the fact that she was in therapy, which was the ultimatum he gave her for any sort of romantic beginning, but she had destroyed the option by telling him no and then she annihilated their friendship.

Will was heartbroken until his roommate had told him of her visit. The emotions were mixed and tense inside of him. He had sent her a text asking if everything was okay and she'd asked to meet.

Will hadn’t felt anxious about going to meet her until he saw her sitting in the little coffee shop. When he walked up he expeditiously felt the pull of every cell in his body to her. He wanted to hold her hand, kiss her, but then her words ran through his head and the emotion was dampened, stained with the feeling of rejection.

“Hi,” April said with a closed mouthed smile.

Will pulled up the chair to the small table and compartmentalized his emotions; taking care not to look her directly in the eyes. He was already twisting the paper napkin on the table, fidgeting his leg trying to rid the energy he felt for her through it.

“Is everything okay?” he asked channeling his objective professional voice.

April could feel the coolness in his tone. She knew she hurt him, but he was more distant than he’d ever been to her.

“Yeah, everything’s okay,” April said with a softness in her voice.

She was trying to look at him but he refused to make eye contact.

“What do you want April?” Will said cooly; finally looking at her as he had gotten enough of her energy out of him to convey his tone.

His eyes were cold, but as soon as they connected to hers sadness flooded them. April gave a small nod acknowledging and conceding to the fact that she was receiving what she dished out to him for weeks.

“Okay, you were right, I’m not in the best place, but I know that you were just trying to help and I wanted you to know how sorry I am...for treating you like that,” April lamented apologetically, "I've decided to get some help."

Will’s eyes softened a bit but his icy guard was still up.

“I miss you too,” April said still looking him in the eye.

She slid her hand across table but Will didn’t reach for hers; he pulled back. April looked down and away realizing that she had missed her window and he was probably lost to her. She put her hand back to her lap and took a breath trying her best to absorb the heavy feeling weighing on her chest.

Will couldn’t touch her; he wanted to, so badly, but he didn’t want to complicate the very new and uncomplicated relationship he’d just started with Natalie. He sat up in his seat he had to get out of there; to get away from the pull she had on him. So he stood up, ready to tell her goodbye.

“Well I’m glad that you’re finally getting help; truly,” his voice was back to his professional tone but his eyes told a different story.

“Thanks, maybe we can hang out again sometime,” April said almost hopelessly.

“Yeah maybe, I’ll see you around April.”

That was that. They had not seen each other outside of work since then. Will had noticed she was still on day shifts and he’d wanted to talk to her about school but he was still really tense around her. He knew he was still in love with her but he was also angry. It came out directed at her but it was really the situation.

How does one get what they want; maybe even what they need, but neither reward falls into what they actually desire? He had thought about that when he came into work bumping into Natalie as she was on her way out to get Owen from the sitter’s house.

“Hey you,” she said smiling.

“Hey, you getting off?” Will asked with a smile to match hers.

“Yes but I was wondering if maybe you’d want to get a drink after work tomorrow?” She said smiling.

“Yeah that sounds good,” Will answered as she leaned in to give him a quick kiss before leaving.

Everything with Natalie was safe, predictable, but comforting. It was something that Will craved; especially when he turned to see April behind him, she had waved in an effort to continue to reach out and he nodded her way. He was trying his best to come around to the idea of being friends again but her presence still unnerved him and if he needed anymore confirmation of that it came the following night.

He and Natalie got off of work and walked to Molly’s. They had been sitting down for only a moment, happy to finally be able to do so, considering how slammed they had been in the ED that night. He was feeling content until Natalie said,

“I wonder when that started again.”

Will looked to Natalie’s eyes and followed her gaze. He caught the tail end of Connor grazing April’s stomach outside the window. They exchanged some words but they were inaudible. He saw them both laugh and he recognized the happiness in April’s face, in her eyes. He did his best to bury the irritated look filling his own. Natalie had seen that look. It was the same one she saw a similar night at Molly’s when they had a group outing for April. That peevishness she hadn’t felt since that night arose.

“Will-," Natalie repeated herself.

He was zoned out watching Connor walk into the bar. He saw them and they both nodded in each other’s direction as Natalie waved to him.

“I’m sorry what were you saying?” Will said trying to bury his hostility before looking to Natalie.

“Oh I was just saying that I wondered if they were back together, do you know?” Natalie said her eyes soft but somewhat interrogative.

“Oh I wouldn’t know.”

“You guys still not talking?” Natalie asked trying to reason away the look she saw in him with the present tense.

“A little bit,” Will said flipping his palm up and down signaling the wishy-washiness of their friendship.

They discussed the highs, lows, and challenges of their day at work. They finished their beers and Will wanted to invite her back to his place but he had to get up early for work and pull a double.

“Well you know you could stay the night,” Will stated flirtatiously; teasing her about their PG-13 relationship.

“Not tonight, but Saturday?” Natalie said seductively and dead serious.

Will’s eyes widened and a grin spread across his face.

“YES!” Will said swiftly.

They both laughed at his eagerness and he kissed her goodbye, longer and deeper than he ever had. She pulled away and smiled letting go of his hand.

... 

When he got home he went to lie down but first he opened his laptop pulling up his spreadsheet to update his costs and expenses on his budget. He lied back in bed thinking about what Saturday would be like and if the experience would be like in his dreams or better? It was one way to forget seeing April and Connor together but almost as quickly as he and Natalie walked away from each other his mind wandered to April-World and he wondered why Connor was touching her, why there?  April had kept her pregnancy from him but would she do the same to Will?

They hadn’t used protection but he knew April was on the pill. It was one of the many things he would see sometimes on her dresser and it always conjured up images of her with other men, he hated it then, and he hated it now. He pushed the thought away it felt irrational and obsessive. He hated that she had that effect on him. He wondered if she had similar thoughts when she saw him with Natalie. 

 


	3. Saturday Night Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is jumping head deep into his relationship with Natalie hoping if things get physical it might end his pain over April but a coincidental encounter at a restaurant won't let him run so easily. Meanwhile Connor and Natalie notice the tension and begin to hatch a plan to repair the friendship.

Will wanted everything to be perfect for his first time with Natalie. The check list included a clean and empty house, a great meal with no garlic, and even some of his favorite music. He programmed his phone to play  music through his stereo; softly in the background when they’d arrive.

His last sexual experience had been with April and it had really screwed with his head. He wanted something more traditional; although he tried his best not to think about her especially in that regard. He and April’s first time had been anything but traditional and that experience consumed him and the room it happened in as well. Part of him had wanted to be with Natalie somewhere else, but this was his home and he was trying to move on. He’d asked Ryan if he could crash at his girlfriend’s house for the night and he made reservations at a really nice restaurant one he'd never been to. He was busy cleaning when he heard a ping on his phone. It was Natalie.

_**“Which one?”** _

 He looked at the phone wondering what she meant until it pinged again and two photos appeared. One of a black dress and the other a color of cream. He smiled at the two choices draped against her bed.

 ** _“The black one…although I really like them against the bed like that...,”_ ** Will texted back smiling.

He felt almost giddy at the idea of unzipping the dress; slowly, finally seeing her skin, her body. It was something he'd literally only dreamt about. He thought back to those dreams and how even there April had infiltrated them. He shook the feeling away; he’d been trying to count to ten and recite the words,

_“We’re only going to be friends.”_

Over and over until he believed it. It was the mantra that he used to recite when he was talking himself out of his feelings for April and her for him. It wasn’t true then, but somehow; like an idiot, he believed it would work now.

...........................

When April opened her front door a bundle of pink and white roses and a color of hydrangeas that she didn’t recognize were sitting there. Attached was a card to a box with **Dolan Rhodes Exclusives** written on the top. She opened the envelope,

_“April, this could be a paper bag and you would still look incredible, but it’s not. Can’t wait to see you in it tonight.”_

_Xoxo,_

_Connor_

April twinkled at his words and put it back in the envelope. She set the flowers and the card on her breakfast bar before picking up the box and taking it into her bedroom. She smoothed her hands over the top before pulling the dress out. The dress was long almost like a gown but the material was fitted and not flowing. She decided not to try it on until after she had showered.

Will and Natalie had to meet at the restaurant so she  could drop off Owen at Jeff’s mother’s house beforehand. He gave the maitre’d his name and he was seated at their table next to the window. He gazed out of it; the city was buzzing and beautiful. Each light lit up the downtown, and the energy felt good; infectious. It was a great night for a date and an even better night for his first time with Natalie. Will hadn’t been able to wipe the grin off of his face all day. He was practically humming a tune when he walked into the restaurant. Just as he ordered a bottle of wine in waltzed his reality and what a sight she was to behold.

A fitted mini black halter dress with a cutout on the chest; all of it against her creamy olive skin. Her usually pulled back hair was styled in sexy waves framing her face; all gliding on a pair of black pumps, that made the small muscles in her legs tone and flex as she walked over to Will.

 _"Damn_."

He stood up buttoning his sport coat beaming ear to ear.

“You look like I don’t want to eat dinner anymore,” Will said kissing her on the cheek.

“Easy tiger, you’ll want some energy for later,” Natalie said flirting back.

Will couldn’t help but laugh and blush a bit at how forward she'd become. Dinner would be hard to get through, indeed. Truly, she was the most magnificent sight he’d seen in a while; that was until a few minutes later when the flash of fuchsia came around the corner.

April was incredibly nervous about her date but mostly about Connor's expectations. They had always been really physical, sex was immediate with them, and they had it often when they dated prior; sometimes several times a day. But her doctor had warned her about a sexual relationship before she had actually tackled any of her demons and in all truthfulness she was not ready yet. She still thought about Will more than she cared to admit and it seemed unfair to Connor to give herself to him even when every part of her still felt promised to Will.

Connor arranged a car service to pick her up because he had an emergency surgery to finish before their date. The whole thing made April feel like she was in a movie. When she got to the restaurant he was waiting in the front; his hands in the pockets of his very expensive suit. He looked so tailored, and April remembered the many dates they had where she couldn’t believe that a man could look that handsome, at least not in real life.

“It fits,” April said smiling as the driver helped her out of the car.

Connor couldn’t help but consume her with his eyes and the want in them could not escape his face either.

“Well, I actually still have the blue one. It’s how I knew your size,” Connor admitted; slightly embarrassed to be holding onto the item that was little more than rags after he was through with it.

“Really?” April said surprised as they walked into the restaurant.

“Oh yeah, you weren’t the only one that found comfort from clothes,” Connor said turning a bit pink.

April squeezed his hand as the maitre’d led them to their table.

It was the bright fuschia against all that glowing umber skin. It peaked whenever she took a step; in and out, from the high slit of the otherwise simply cut strapless dress April wore. It's what caught Will's eye first. Her hair wild and free grazing her bare neck,that beautiful neck, Will was staring at again.

“What?” Natalie asked turning her back to see what he was looking at.

April caught Will’s stare and Natalie turning simultaneously. Her mood that was climbing to great heights fell to the ground in pieces at the sight of them. Natalie looked great and Will looked so sexy.

_"Shit."_

_"Shit."_ Will thought as Natalie turned back to him smiling and saying,

“We should say hi,” her tone supportive as she tried to heal the rift between them; clueless to its depth.

“Oh there’s Will and Natalie let’s say hi real quickly,” Connor said innocently.

His arm tugged at April's as she could feel every part of her body dragging like child to the dentist's office to get a tooth pulled.

“Sure,” she said, " _Okay inner Taylor Swift here we go."_

“Hey guys,” Natalie said elongating her sounds as she looked over to Will to follow suit.

Her smile was bright and unaware of the tension she and Connor were creating.

“Rhodes….April,” Will dashed his eyes away.

He couldn’t look at her, not without letting his desire be known to everyone at the table. What he would do with that skin, that neck, her lips stained a pink to match the dress.

“Hey Nat…Will,” April said doing her best to match Natalie’s tone. She too wouldn’t and couldn’t look at Will.

“That dress is amazing!” Natalie said enthusiastically, “Right Will?”

He was looking at the small space between Connor and April; it was safe there, until Natalie prompted him to actually look at her. He took a small breath and raised his gaze finally swallowing the vision in front of him.

“Yeah,” he said looking down and then up stopping at her eyes, "You look beautiful.”

He kept his cool until the end when the quickest blink of his eyes emptied his sadness, desire, and longing at his wishes to be with her. April mirrored it blinking away to keep from crying.

Connor noticed the strange tension and avoidance so he wrapped up the conversation.

“Well, we’ll let you two get back to your dinner, just wanted to say hello, enjoy your night,” Connor said with a hopeful smile at the pair.

Natalie waved as April and Connor strolled to their table and sat down.

“Will are you ever going to forgive her?" Natalie said almost immediately.

He sighed feeling found out of his true feelings.

“I know when she gets really upset she can be cold, but she apologized right?” Natalie asked inquisitively.

“Yeah, it’s just kind of complicated,” Will answered unsure of his response.

He didn’t want to get into anything that might reveal his true feelings he wanted that live warm body of his emotions buried and suffocated. This was the night of he and Natalie and nothing was getting in the way of that. Natalie looked a little defeated. They received their bottle of wine and ordered dinner.

April thought she might lose it back there but she persevered and put on a faux smile.

“What wine is good here?” she asked hoping to change the feeling.

Connor looked up from his menu hoping to push away the achingly familiar feeling he'd felt months prior at April’s apartment when Will was there.

“I would love to drink a red with you but I’m actually still on-call, surgery,” Connor admitted with a shrug, “But you should try the Bordeaux it’s great with the steak au poivre.”

“You snob,” April let out a genuine laugh.

He looked up from his menu laughing at her and shrugged his shoulders again. April enjoyed her wine; a couple of glasses, that soon passed to her bladder. She excused herself to the restroom. When she got out she heard the water running. Natalie was washing her hands.

“Hey, by the way you look incredibly sexy tonight,” April said.

Natalie smiled a devilish grin, “Well that was the idea! Tonight’s going to be _the night!_ “she said giddily.

“ _Oh_ …. _Wow!”_ April said through a faked astonishment and more pain than she thought could be felt in a single moment.

“Alright,” she smoothed her hands down her dress, “I’m going to get back out there, but we need to get together and dish, cause I want to know when this thing with Connor started back up!” Natalie said beaming and tapping April’s arm.

“Definitely,” April said through her held breath.

The wine and steak in April's stomach threatened to the top of her throat. She placed her hand over her stomach using the other hand to hold herself up on the vanity. Finally she covered her mouth trying not to let the wails escape.

“1, 2, 3….4, 5, 6,7,8,” April counted through each whimper trying to hold herself together.

It wouldn’t be possible; she needed to get out of there. When she came back to the table Connor was texting on his phone. He had just gotten an alert to come back in and operate on a crash case. April sat down next to him.

“Hey, I’m sorry I have to go back in-," Connor started before he noticed his golden goddess had lost her glitter, “You don’t look so good.”

“I don’t feel so good,” April admitted.

“I have to go back in but the driver is waiting for us, I’ll have him take you home and I’ll grab a cab to the hospital,” Connor said wrapping his arm around her in a comforting hug; April nodded.

They walked out to the car and he kissed her forehead before saying, “I’ll check on you tomorrow?” She nodded again.

He shut the door and the car took off. April got home and unzipped her dress; the Cinderella movie was over, and she was back in her pumpkin. Numbness crept into her. She had swallowed down as much pain as she could at the sight of Will and Natalie and the reality of the two of them making love was too overwhelming to process. He’d really moved on just that easily; maybe April was right to have ended it before it started. She curled up in bed embracing the numbness allowing it to be a bridge, a bridge hopefully to Connor.

.... 

Will was fumbling with his keys, one eye half closed, the other open, as he was trying to unlock his door with Natalie kissing him excitedly and quickly. The door pushed open and they through it. He took his coat off hastily still kissing her in rapid succession. They landed on his couch. He found her neck; sucking on the crook, before nibbling at her ear. She was peeling his pants down and pulling his shirt from its tucked position.

 _"I_ _want this so badly, I've always wanted this_."

Will was reciting it in his head but his body would not obey. His appendage stayed malleable between his legs. He would have to buy a little more time. He kissed down her neck, down her body, pushing her dress up, and pulling her underwear down and off. He buried his head between her legs laying soft and slow kisses to her mound slowly working his tongue to the heat radiating to his lips. Natalie moaned at the slowdown, Will hoped it would be what he needed, he still couldn’t get there.

“Oh my god,” she moaned but then, “AHHH!” Natalie yelped.

The pleasure turned to a cry and Will stopped what he was doing to look up.

“What’s wrong?”

“I think there’s someone standing at your door,” Natalie said collecting her clothes to their rightful place on her body.

Will stood up zipping up his pants before walking over the door. He opened it and there stood Ryan and Keerie; Ryan’s girlfriend. She had a bag and they both appeared to be in their pajamas.

“Ryan? What are you doing? ” Will asked; his eyes speaking to Ryan _we had an agreement about tonight._

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you,” he answered leaning to see Natalie, “Hey Natalie," he waved.

“Hey Ryan,” Natalie said smiling but still a bit embarrassed.

“Keerie’s building caught on fire tonight,” Ryan said shaking his head in disbelief, “We have to stay here tonight and... she might have to stay a few days until they can clear the structure for safety and occupancy."

“Hey Will,” Keerie squeaked from behind Ryan; her eyes apologetic but stressed.

Will waved and opened the door more to let them both in. Will and Natalie retired to his bedroom. They kissed a few times, Natalie hoped it would lead to more.

“Maybe we could be really quiet,” she whispered rubbing his leg.

Will laughed and shook his head no.

“The walls are way too thin, trust me,” Will said putting his arm around her.

She scrunched up her face at the admission looking up at him. Will looked down at her.

“Keerie….squeaks,” Will said before they both bust out laughing, “Seriously it’s like a tortured mouse.”

They laughed harder before finally passing out; the wine they’d ingested earlier rocking them to their slumber.

...

Work came quickly on Monday. Connor ran into Natalie walking a scared little girl up to the OR prep to have surgery on her right eye.

“Dr. Rhodes,” said Nat in her usual cheery disposition.

“Dr. Manning,” Connor nodded before stopping and reaching for her arm.

“Can I ask you something?” Connor started, a tad apprehensive.

“Sure,” Natalie answered receptively.

“I don’t know if you noticed or if I’m just seeing things but is there something going on between Will and April?” Connor asked with concern.

Natalie’s eyes eased and she nodded, “Yeah they had a falling out, Will was trying to get April to seek counseling and she didn’t feel like she needed it, but you know Will, if he thinks he’s right he is relentless and it kind of blew up in his face,” Natalie stated, “Shocker right?”

Connor shook his head laughing before chewing a bit on his lip.

“So that’s it?” Connor pressed on.

“Well, what else would there be?” Natalie pushed back.

The peevish splinter arose in her but she reasoned it away by saying,

“You know I think it would be fun to hang out together, maybe at a neutral ground like Molly’s or wherever so they can patch things up. April's my friend too and it would be nice for us to all hang out without all the resentment and tension.”

“I agree,” Connor nodded, “I’ll check our schedules you check yours and we will set up a time to get together.”

Natalie smiled and nodded before Connor called back to her.

“Hey Natalie, we’re good right?” Connor asked.

He was alluding to their conversation in the hall a year ago when she poked him in the chest and chastised him over his treatment of April.

“As long as you’re good to April, we’re good” Natalie winked at him before walking away.

Connor nodded and smiled. He’d be nothing but good to her he wouldn’t waste this chance to do things right this time but he couldn’t shake what he saw between them at the restaurant and her apartment the day she had hurried him out. Maybe Natalie was right they were just friends in a heated disagreement. Just friends and only friends….right?


	4. Meet You At Molly's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Natalie are dead set on repairing the relationship between Will and April and establishing a friendship between the four but unfortunately Connor and Natalie don't really realize what they are reconnecting.

Natalie was determined to repair the bridge between April and Will. She slyly asked Will his schedule and Connor followed suit with April. This was fun for Connor. He got to dust off his double “O” seven skills with Natalie but this time in hopes of a reunion for the estranged friends.

They passed each other in the hall at the hospital; she nodded his way, and he back to her to signal that the plan was on.

When Will arrived with Natalie at Molly's he saw April and Connor sitting at a table leisurely enjoying a drink. He took a deep breath in, still hand in hand, with Natalie who was leading him their direction.

 _"Not again Natalie," he_  thought _._

“Hey Nat,” Connor said with familiarity, “Saved you guys a couple of seats.”

April looked to the empty chairs that now made sense.

_"Oh man Connor what the hell?!"_

Natalie hung her purse and jacket on the back of the chair and pulled at Will’s hand. He was still standing; his apprehensiveness stunting his movement. He sat down looking irritated. He still didn’t want to look at April and she was avoiding his face too.

“So I heard a small microbrewery opened on the West side and Molly’s got a few of their beers,” Natalie stated looking at Connor.

“You know I think I heard that too,” Connor answered following her lead like a script.

“Let’s see if we can try a couple of samples and maybe get a pitcher for the table?” Natalie responded keeping their charade going.

“Sounds good,” Connor said with a pleased smile as he went to stand up.

Will was beginning to get up too when Natalie all but pushed him down by his shoulder.

“Nope, we got it,” Natalie said smiling, “You two, sit, catch up," she said smiling at him then at April.

April looked to Connor,her eyes narrowing a bit, but he had the same encouraging smile Natalie had on his face.

“We’ve been set up,” April said breaking the silence.

She was using the numbness that had formed inside her the Saturday she saw them at dinner and had learned of their plans for the evening.

“So it seems,” Will said flipping the coaster over and over again with his fingers, “So.... you and Rhodes?”

It was a statement and question, but it was laced with jealously, and frustration.

April nodded slowly looking at the table then she met his eyes; the numbness and hurt slowly being taken by jealousy.

It seeped into her tone, “You and Nat…?”

She chewed on the side of her lip as he met her stare and nodded.

“Seems kind of quick, but hey... you guys look happy so…. I’m happy for you,” April rattled off.

She had entered into a passive aggressive tone that she had no control over.

“It’s easy with her, she’s clear about what she wants and that’s me,” Will said with the same passive aggressive tone but he finished the sentence with an arrogant smirk.

“Good,” April quipped back.

“Yeah it’s _really_ good,” Will said snapping back as fast.

The remark sent a stab to her chest that wounded the numbness. The feeling crept into her eyes and tears threatened to form until she took a deep breath swallowing her grief and channeling the numbness. Will saw it in her face, her eyes letting him know he‘d went too far but it also let him know she was jealous.

 _"How could that be if she didn’t want me anymore? Selfish,"_ he thought to himself.

It didn’t matter he had his dream girl he had Natalie. This had to end.

“They aren’t going to stop this until we get along so let’s just put this behind us okay?” Will said, his tone lighter not truthful and slightly demanding.

“I agree,” April said trying to find some agency in his declaration.

Will nodded and took a deep breath in before switching the subject.

 “I noticed you’re still on days…. even with school in session?” he implored.

“I took the year off, after... you know everything, they let me defer up to a year but I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to take the full amount,” April answered.

“I think you should go back as soon as possible,” Connor said coming up, “The world needs brilliant doctors,” he finished before he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

He set the pitcher down and Will looked away. It bothered him to have Connor commenting on a situation he knew he didn’t understand unless April told him, which would’ve made his remark callous at best.

“We got the IPA,” Natalie said right behind him sitting down.

She poured a bit into her glass and topped it into Will’s as well.

“We good here?” she said as she finished the task. Her eyes still supportive but also direct.

“Yeah,” April said with a smile she found from nowhere.

Will nodded too with a stressed smile. Connor broke up any gathering tension by asking,

“Who’s up for trivia?”

Connor loved games and puzzles and he was always doing them on his phone. Everyone agreed to a game.

In her continuing effort at building up the friendship between April and Will Natalie suggested they be on a team and she and Connor would be the opposition. The game started oddly enough with April and Will still trying to find a place of comfort among all the words and emotions they couldn’t say or express but as the questions and laughter about the answers came it had melted the tension at the table.

April and Will were transported back to the best times in their friendship; their mornings making pancakes, or talking on their way to brunch; after working late nights together.

A strange question involving dentures and Las Vegas came up and Will and April answered it quickly before bursting out laughing at their correct answer. Connor and Natalie guessed wrong laughing at the question but both looked over the table wondering how it had produced such a reaction between the two.

Will looked up at Natalie and she had that inquisitive scrunched look on her face.

“I had this neighbor that was in the- what did you call it April?” Will asked looking to her.

“Nuts and Twigs business,” she said smiling and shaking her head.

“Yes! Nuts and Twigs retail! Anyway our mail was constantly being switched; packages coming to my place all the time always full of weird crap, all types of odds and ends kinds of things and then one day April was home,” Will explained “And she accidentally opened one of the boxes-," Will said looking to April.

“-Yeah I had my hand all the way down this package because I thought it was the part to my favorite griddle but instead it was a bunch of dentures!” She shuddered, “All used!”

“Turns out he had tried to ship them to Vegas but got them rejected because upon inspection they realized they were used and it’s illegal in Las Vegas to resell dentures.”

“I still wonder why anyone would want used dentures,” April said her face still grossed out by the memory.

It was someone’s kink and Will conveyed that look to April as they both laughed again at the memory. They were back in their world again. Their connection being seen for the first time by their partners. For Natalie’s part she was enjoying their simpatico with the ever so often small splintered feelings that she put down at every chance when they popped up. But for Connor it was another seed inside his garden of curiosity and an unwanted feeling that was always growing inside of him.

“Wait, back up... did you say she was home?” his face neutral but confused, “You two lived together?”

April and Will broke out of their world for a moment; realizing that their trip down memory lane might be exposing the very feelings they both agreed that they would eradicate earlier. Will looked to April to answer.

“Yeah, for a couple of months while I looked for a new place,” April said.

The answer was short and succinct, it wasn’t a lie, but it definitely wasn’t the total truth. Connor looked over and realized that the look in Natalie’s eyes had changed to reflect a sobering truth he was not privy to; Will’s were the same. Natalie may not have known the full truth but she knew enough to know why April wouldn’t want to return to her apartment. Connor realized instantly that there was more to the story but he didn’t press on. He nodded his head and said,

“Oh. Cool.” His response tight and slightly agitated.

Natalie looked at her watch.

“I have to relieve the sitter, walk me home Will?” Natalie asked casually.

He nodded his head and everyone settled up venturing to the outside to leave.

“This was fun,” Natalie said, “We’ve got to do this again sometime.”

Everyone agreed before dispersing.

Connor walked April home; his mind still on the fact that he had so many questions that were still unanswered.

_"Why was April in therapy and why would that be such a source of contention between her and Will?"_

He couldn’t help but feel that there was more to the story of them living together.They walked up to her place and for the second time Connor noticed the photo of April and Will on her sofa table.

“So… you and Will...,” Connor started.

The statement sent a pit to April’s stomach and her heart began to race at his words.

“You guys lived together huh?” Connor finished.

April exhaled, “Yeah for a couple of months,” she answered; still guarded, still repetitive, careful to keep her story straight.

“I liked your old place,” Connor said..

He was fishing; hoping she would disclose more.

She nodded, “I used to, too."

“You guys never dated or-," Connor began asking.

“-Nope,” April answered quickly hoping there would be no follow-up, “Never dated.”

The answer allowed for the omission and the truth to still live. It allowed calmness to April’s conscience with that answer.

She moved to give him a kiss, hoping to bury anymore investigative questions about her time spent with Will. The action backfired as Connor deepened the kiss, it felt nice but she had orders from her doctor to limit the physicality of their relationship, and his tongue in her mouth and the growing firmness against her leg let her know that she needed to put the brakes on things. She pulled away.

“I’m a little thirsty, do you want some water,” she said moving to the kitchen.

Connor was a little surprised and taken aback at her hesitation; this was not them, not the April he knew. They used to not be able to keep their hands off of each other.

“Sure,” he said, confusion in his tone.

She filled a second glass and handed it to him. She took a drink feeling his eyes on her. April smiled and he put his glass down using the movement to close the gap between them. He began pulling her face to his to kiss her when she stopped.

“-Connor, can we take things a little slower this time?” April asked, her slanted doe eyes connecting to his.

“-Uh, okay yeah, yeah that’s fine,” Connor answered, the hesitation coming from the now engorged feeling in his pants.

Of course he didn’t want to, but he still loved her, and respected her and because he knew there was something she still wasn’t telling him. He obliged, sure of the connection, but he chose patience. They hung out a bit longer and sat on her couch watching a movie before he went home.

Across town Will had walked Natalie home and she invited him in. He met her sitter, a young girl no older than sixteen, who was sitting on the couch chewing gum and texting on her phone.

“Owen is down, he’s been asleep for about a half hour,” the girl said before getting up.

Natalie thanked her and gave her money before letting her out. Will was playing with a stuffed toy on the couch letting it squeak in his hands. When the door closed Natalie had a smirk on her face.

“So we have at least thirty minutes before Owen wakes up."

She began taking off her shirt and walked over to him on the couch.

She straddle Will and he moved his hands up her back unhooking her bra and kissing down her chest to envelop a breast in his mouth. He stood up, her legs wrapped around him and headed down the hall to her bedroom.

They landed on the bed still kissing furiously but not unlike the first time they had attempted this at his place his body would not allow the betrayal of his true feelings. It was a rare experience for him to have his mind, body, and spirit be so disciplined but here it was obstructing his ability to move on. Natalie traced her hand down the stiffness of his stomach but could feel the striking dichotomy in his pants; it came as a surprise to her.

“Um- maybe too much beer?” She said with an empathetic smile.

Will sighed in frustration looking down at his stubborn appendage.

“Let’s slow down,” Natalie said.

He nodded and resumed kissing her, sliding his hand down her pants and into her underwear, pushing a few fingers inside of her. Natalie moaned into his mouth accepting the substitution until the monitor next to her bed rattled them out of their consolation. They stopped and looked at it. The soft coos escalating to actual cries as they both blew raspberries at yet another interruption.

“Well I guess that’s that,” Natalie said laughing but defeated, “You should probably go.”

Will nodded. They had included any real interaction with Owen as part of them moving slowly and even though he was still pretty young the decision was agreed upon to keep the interaction to a minimum.He gave her another kiss and then left to go home.

His journey home gave him a chance to think about why he was struggling with Natalie, an intrusive thought hit his mind.

_"Was April having the same trouble, it was easier for a woman in the physical regard, were her and Connor-."_

He had to stop there because anymore thought threatened the shaky truce he and April had just developed. He couldn’t help but wonder if he'd made a mistake beginning the relationship before he’d given himself proper time to get over her.

 _"Nope_."

He’d always wanted to be with Natalie and he was going to make this work no matter what.


	5. Blame It On the A-A-Alcohol Anonymous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The foursome are getting along famously and hanging out more. April and Will are doing their best at keeping their true intentions buried but alcohol always brings out the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was listening to Live Lounge which big artists cover even bigger artists' songs and the version of Elastic Heart covered by FKA Twigs was featured so that's the one that plays when April is dancing.

Although there were moments of calm between April and Will, the tension was always right under the surface, simmering on the stove. They played their parts pretty well especially in front of Connor and Natalie but they were beginning to fall back into old patterns.Stolen looks and gazes from afar that would reveal the hidden burn to want to be together; the other none the wiser to the theft.

Natalie was actively snowed; denying and sinking any doubts or thoughts that made her question the relationship beyond its friendship. For Connor it was different, probably because of the lack of sexual activity between him and April. His garden of suspicion had a few too many seeds and it was being constantly nourished with all the questions he still had about April’s therapy, and the weed that was growing in his mind about Will and April and their co-habitation.

The positive feelings over their last outing and the agreed upon sentiment to make another plan to hang out came up when Natalie spotted a guitar in Will’s closet. She suggested a night at a certain bar that she knew had karaoke and she'd invited April and Connor. When they accepted they made plans for the following Saturday to go out to a place called “Shout.”

“Where have you taken us Nat?” Will asked, side eyeing her with suspicious smile.

There was a small stage and a semi-large television screen behind it.

“Surprise! We're doing karaoke!” Natalie yelled arms stretched to the scenery.

“Oh god,” April groaned, “I’m just going to let you know now I _CANNOT_ sing!” she laughed looking Natalie in the eye with certainty.

“Me neither,” Natalie admitted bursting out laughing.

Two drinks later and a few shots down it didn’t matter because occupying the small stage with a mic in each hand were Natalie and April singing. Poorly. “I Love Rock and Roll.”

“HE WAS WITH ME, YEAH ME!” they both yelled trying to keep the tune but failing miserably.

Connor and Will were both red faced and practically barreled over laughing at their table.

“Oh my god, so beautiful yet so horrible,” Will said through each gasp as his laughter brought him to tears.

“Oh man….so so bad,” Connor said with the same hilarity holding his stomach laughing.

The song finished and the ladies bowed between sparse clapping throughout the bar.

“Yeah, ‘Ha Ha Ha,’” Natalie said walking up to the table.

“Oh as if you two could do better?” April asked.

She and Natalie’s arms were draped over each other’s shoulders; their other hands on their hips, like a pair of judgmental moms.

Will went to shake his head before Natalie started, “-Uh un fair is fair.”

He looked over to Connor and he nodded.

“They asked for it,” Connor said with a humored regret; getting the binder full of songs.

He and Will went through the list deliberating with a faux seriousness that made April and Natalie smile even though they were both sitting back in their chairs, arms crossed, holding the guys to their challenge.

“That one?”  Connor asked looking over to Will.

Will let out a small giggle that was almost too adorable for April not to smile at. He nodded his agreement at the choice and they put the request into the DJ. A bad country warble later and the DJ called their names.

“Alright let’s see whatcha got!” Natalie yelled as they walked over.

Will turned and raised an eyebrow with a smirk. He and Connor took the small stage as the first guitar strings struck the familiar tune that didn’t really resonate with either Natalie or April until Connor stepped forward his hand over his chest,

“You are my fire, the one desire,” he belted out.

The richness of his voice carried across the bar.April and Natalie screamed as they looked to each other in an almost disbelief but nothing was as shocking as when Will moved next to him,

“But we, are two worlds apart, can’t reach to your heart,” he sang his tone smoother but just as in tune as Connors.'

“Oh my god,” April said her cheeks burning as Natalie was gripping her hand still looking at the stage and then back at April in astonishment.

The guys continued their performance reaching notes neither woman knew they were capable of until the song ended. The bar erupted in cheers, applause, and whistles as the DJ congratulated their sound.

“Wow,” April said still fully shocked, “I didn’t know that was in you!” she finished moving towards Connor as he put his arm around her.

“I have a few secrets of my own too,” Connor answered, giving her a quick peck on the lips.

The words were playful but expressed his recognition over the things unsaid between them. April smiled a little uncomfortable at the admission.

“I feel like dancing,” she said looking up to him, “You guys up for that?” April asked; mainly to Natalie.

“YES!” Natalie responded quickly and cheerfully.

Karaoke had soared the groups’ mood to a new level so they hit another club after a quick phone call to bottle service to order a table. April was finally ready to let go or maybe it was just the booze but as soon as they arrived she grabbed Natalie and they ran to the dance floor. Natalie was jumping up excitedly at the song swaying her hips to the beat. If the men ruled at karaoke than the ladies dominated the dance floor. April and Natalie pointed to Connor and Will cycling their arms for the men to join them to dance.

“I think we’re being beckoned!” Will yelled towards Connor.

Connor laughed, “I have to use the restroom! You’re on your own buddy!” He patted his chest and skipped to the bathroom.

Will shot Connor a playful disappointed look and crossed his arms; firm to his commitment to not be on that dance floor.

The song’s beat hit; the room vibrating against the floor. Will began to walk over reluctantly; he wasn’t exactly confident in his dance moves. Natalie stopped a moment to feel her leg it; was buzzing. She almost didn’t notice because of the massive vibrations going through the dance floor. She put her finger up and walked over to Will.

“It’s my sitter, I’ll be right back!” she yelled as the song silenced.

They laughed at the awkwardness of her yelling over nothing and she excused herself to find a quieter spot to take her call.

April was still on the dance floor until the music slowed down and she allowed the energy of the alcohol she’d consumed to flow through her like syrup. Will recognized the song’s lyrics as Elastic Heart but it was a version he’d never heard before.

His eyes met the dance floor as the flashing lights caught April’s movement in a static pattern. The lights finally slowed and she was slithering and winding her small frame around.

When the break came he realized he had been staring at her and only her. She caught his gaze and stared back neither breaking eye contact as her movements rolled through her stomach and grinded to her hips and crotch; that she had brought a hand to. Her hips hitting every beat as the song slinked through her. She was gyrating and swaying her hips to the beat; still keeping eye contact with him. He thought about what it would  be like to touch her again. What her skin smelled like. The tiny moans she released when they made love. Will hadn’t realized he’d been completely hypnotized until he heard Connor yell his direction.

“Will! I need your help!” He said, his tone serious and his face urgent.

Will snapped out of the trance; almost panicked, afraid he’d been caught staring at April by none other than her boyfriend. Will looked slightly confused toward Connor but followed. April was letting alcohol take the wheel and she blew off the guys’ disappearance until moments later Natalie was next to her yelling.

“The paramedics are here!” Natalie said walking toward April; her face confused and concerned.

April finally let a sort of sobriety in and she was just as confused.

“What’s going on?  Where is everyone?”  Natalie continued.

The stretcher produced her answer with Will and Connor in tow giving directions to the paramedics.

“We’ll ride with you,” Will stated.

“Follow us to Gaffney,” Connor yelled towards April and Natalie.

They ladies arrived at the hospital. Will was giving the rundown to Dr. Choi; they had to assign the patient to him because they had both been drinking. Natalie’s sitter said that Owen seemed fussier than normal and a fever had confirmed her observation so Natalie headed home. Connor and April shared a cab with his place being the first stop.

“You want to come up?” Connor asked feeling out the speed of their relationship.

“Not tonight,” April said regretfully.

The sultry show she’d given Will had not been forgotten and she felt conflicted but her "off limits" topics still had not been explored in therapy so sex was _still_ off the table. She still hadn’t told Connor and his frustration was felt with a deep sigh. 

“Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.” He gave her a kiss and exited the cab.

April began to feel the guilt of what she was doing to Connor, Will, and Natalie; her friend.

_"What was that on the dance floor?"_

What was she doing? The whole thing was rotten and she knew she had to come clean and come clean soon otherwise her secrets and actions would destroy everything she held dear.


	6. Cabin Retreat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for honesty or this is the end of Connor and April.

There were one too many interruptions and unsaid words that kept happening to the foursome. Each occasion something halted some sort of progress for Will and Natalie as well as for Connor and April.

Connor was starting to get fed up with the lack of physicality and he was ready to finally confront her about it. He was leaving work when he ran into Will coming in for the night shift.

“Hey,” Connor said coming in for a handshake.

“Hey man what’s up?” Will said returning their little shake.

They'd hung out a few times on their own; watching a few games at the hospital’s neighborhood sports bars, and playing a few of their own together. The handshake had been created after beating a pair of dentists in a pick-up game. The pair were growing much closer; a far cry from where they had begun. Connor could tell that Will was busy but he had to ask a question, one that had been seared into his mind for weeks.

“You got a second?” Connor asked.

“Like literally a couple, what’s up?” Will asked tentively.

“It’s April,” Connor started.

The mere mention of her name with a question attached made Will want to flee, but he sat in the moment, his face hiding the panic.

“Why did she move in with you?” Connor asked straightforward.

Will’s eyes eased a bit but the question was still a sore subject; one that he didn’t feel the right to divulge without April’s permission.

Will’s mouth moved into an exaggerated frown at the question. He shook his head trying to get out of it.

“Really, c’mon man, I know you know _something._ I mean was there a boyfriend or another guy that you saw or met while you two lived together?” Connor pleaded.

Will didn’t know for sure what had transpired between Brett and her, he couldn’t be the one to tell Connor about Parker, that had to be April, and he sure as hell was not going to tell him about the two of them so he talked around it but before he could say anything Connor went on.

“It’s like there’s this thing that she’s keeping from me. I can’t deal anymore with not knowing, it’s in the way of everything. I mean we haven’t even had sex yet,” Connor said his voice lowered at the admission.

“Really?” Will said with a strange pleasant surprise he hoped Connor didn’t pick up on.

“So there was no one else or _anything_ that I should know?” Connor implored further not realizing he never let Will answer.

Will sighed shaking his head.

 “Ah man,” Will started while rubbing the back of his neck, “Here’s what I can tell you... she didn’t feel safe there anymore...okay... and as far as other guys none that I ever met,” he nodded to signify the permanence of his feelings at the subject.

But Connor wasn’t pleased with the answer. So Will said,

“Just ask her,” he gave Connor a pat and prayed to all gods both known and some he made up that if April told him anything she would not mention them.

It was not something he wanted to deal with. Connor was having a difficult time getting in touch with April their schedules lately seemed to be in constant conflict and he had no idea how and when he would broach the subject of their chaste relationship or all the secrets he knew she was hiding. He tried to call her but she didn’t get the call because she was having lunch with Natalie.

....

“So we haven’t had a chance to talk about you and Connor, how is everything going?” Natalie asked cutting into her salad.

“It’s good, we’re taking things slowly since reconnecting but it’s still new, still developing into something different than the last time, and you and Will?” April asked.

She asked to be polite because that’s what friends do but she didn’t want to know. She wanted to put her hands on her ears and shake her head back forth screaming like a child when Natalie discussed Will being over at her house or kissing him or asking what he liked for breakfast.

‘It’s good but, we still haven’t…you know” Natalie remarked.

“Really?” April asked surprised, “Not that Saturday Connor and I ran into you guys at the restaurant?” April asked a little embarrassed she remembered the conversation.

“Nope,” Natalie said shaking her head, “We keep getting interrupted. You know what we need is to getaway no interruptions, no medical dramas; just some serenity,” She said picking up her water.

“That would be nice,” April admitted, although a weekend trapped with Natalie and Will had disaster written all over it.

“You know my family has a cabin in Brown County, it’s beautiful and relatively secluded this time of year. We should all go,” Natalie offered.

April nodded with no intention of saying yes, she was adamant about the feeling of it being a disaster.

“I’ll ask Connor about it,” she lied.

...

They finished their lunch. April went up to her therapist and Natalie started her shift. The very next day Natalie found out that the cabin would be free so she asked Will, he was excited except but also nerve-wracked with his inability to perform still being an issue.

“Hey I also invited April and Connor too so it should be fun!” Natalie said before walking away.

 _NO!_ Was all Will could think of as a strained smile pulled across his face. The feeling quickly was eclipsed by his other bigger issue; he needed to get his performance problem under control before they left. Will found Ethan in the hall and looked around like a criminal. Ethan looked over at him confused at his behavior.

“Can I talk to you,” Will all but whispered.

Ethan nodded but he was still typing into his digital chart.

“Privately,” Will insisted.

Ethan stopped what he was doing and they walked down the hall to a private exam room off of the ED.

“What’s going on Will,” Ethan asked concerned and curious.

Will let out an exhausted breath before saying, “I have been having some trouble, um, getting an erection,” he spilled.

“Really?” Ethan replied almost laughing, “God I thought you were going to tell me you killed a patient!”

“I need you to be professional man," Will said narrowing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.

“Okay, okay, yeah sorry, have you been under any stress?” Ethan asked.

“We work in the ED man c’mon,” Will said waving his hand around the space.

“No drug use?” Ethan asked.

Will shook his head no with an annoyed look on his face.

“You’re too young to be having erectile dysfunction, the problem maybe psycho-sematic.” Ethan replied.

“Can you just prescribe me something a Cialis, Viagra, or whatever. I have a really important weekend coming up and I want it to be perfect…please,” Will pleaded.

Ethan seemed hesitant but he finally said yes.

“A low dose, you shouldn’t need too much help.”

He wrote the prescription and Will had it filled quietly. He ran into Connor on the way from the hospital’s pharmacy.

“So I guess I will be seeing you this weekend?” Will said to Connor.

“Yeah it should be fun,” he said almost somberly as he walked by.

He had run into Natalie and she filled him in on everything believing that April had already asked. He said he could do it and he texted April asking if they wanted to take her car or his for the weekend and April had been caught off guard as she was hoping to have let the invitation “slip her mind.” They agreed on his car and a departure time.

 ....

So they were all going to the cabin packing their hiking boots, sweaters, hats, food, beer, excitement, anger, lies, and secrets all to Natalie’s families home.

The ride over was considerably icy. April couldn’t handle the anticipation of not knowing where they would be sleeping; hoping to god the rooms weren’t too close. She could not handle listening to Natalie and Will go at it and Connor could not handle the silence filled with everything that April should be telling him so he finally broke the quiet.

“April we are going to be sleeping in the same bed tonight and tomorrow,” Connor said.

“I know,” April said his words breaking her worrying over Will’s sleeping arrangements.

“April,” Connor said, “Are we going to just _sleep_ tonight?” Connor pressed on.

“Isn’t that what people do in bed,” April answered.

April wasn’t being willfully obtuse. She had put everything in the far reaches of her mind that she hadn’t noticed that Connor had been almost angry with her lately. He let out a sigh and the silence continued for another hour. Aprils’ mind was back to being preoccupied with the sleeping arrangements. They were less than twenty minutes from the cabin and Connor could no longer contain his annoyance.

“April, will you please talk to me?” Connor said with a disparity.

“What’s the matter?” April asked concerned. Her mind was preoccupied again.

“You don’t talk to me, I feel like there is a lot you’re not telling me and with everything that has happened between us in the past you can understand why I would be a little nervous about you keeping things from me.” He said looking over at her periodically and then back to the road.

“I’m not keeping anything from you,” she said.

Lie.

He scoffed, “Okay,well can you tell me why you’re in therapy?” Connor asked cooly, “Can you tell me why we still don’t have sex or why you moved in with Will?”

YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION. Saved by the vehicles’ navigation system.

“Can we talk about this later?” April asked her voice shaky and afraid.

Connor was frustrated but now he was worried he didn’t like the tone she had and he didn’t want to talk about it later.

“I think we should talk about it now,” he answered with concern.

“No, not now,” she stated; feeling cornered.

She reached over his lap and hit the button to pop the trunk. She opened her door and got out grabbing her bags. Connor was now completely pissed off. He got out too and grabbed his luggage following her to the house but he couldn’t let it go.

“April, por favor (please),” he began.

Natalie was already at the door.

“Ahora no, Connor, por favor, quiero saludar a nuestros amigos primer," (Not now Connor, please I want to greet our friends first), April said trying to put a smile on her face in front of Nat.

"Hace meses April que tenemos todos la noche con ellos, por favor!" (It has been months April we have all night for them please!) Connor said raising his voice.

"No aqui!" (Not here!), April finally hissed turning. 

“Hey _guys_ ,” Natalie said with a worried smile.

She didn’t have to understand Spanish to know they were fighting.

“Hey Natalie,” Connor said lowering his voice but his eyes were incensed.

“Hi Nat,” April said; a stressed smile on her face.

She let them in and immediately April’s fears about space and privacy evaporated. The home was hardly some Lincoln log cabin. The space was a sprawling two thousand plus square foot mini-mansion. Fully equipped with a bar, pool table, and two separate hot tubs; one off the master and one off the terrace, the fire place ,covered in stacked stone, was the centerpiece of the home as two large windows flanked a stunning view of miles of forestry.

“Wow, Nat this place is amazing,” April commented.

“Thanks, we have enjoyed many trips here as a family, I can’t wait until Owen is big enough to appreciate it,” Natalie said beaming hoping her good mood would rub off on the cranky couple, “I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping,” she put out her arm to show them the way.

When they got to the large bedroom she opened the door and instructed them to where the linens were kept. April began unpacking her bag but Connor just stood there. She ignored him putting her things away quickly before heading down the stairs.

Will was napping because he worked the late shift the night before. Natalie was using the crockpot for dinner hoping it would let everyone relax more.

It was late and eventually they all made their way to the dining room to eat. Connor was still angry but he was quiet not saying much. Natalie had filled Will in and he was paranoid about their argument hoping his name would be nowhere near the conflict, not now; not stuck here all weekend.

Natalie and Will cleared the table after the meal and washed the dishes but Connor and April were still sitting at the table. He wouldn’t stop looking at her. She finally looked him in the eyes.

“Lo siento, Connor," (I’m sorry) April said. 

“No lo sienta, sea honesto,” (Don’t be sorry, be truthful). He implored; his hand on her cheek.

“Soon, answers are coming soon,” April said holding his hand to her face.

The lack of revelation was not enough and he looked away defeated; getting up, and turning in early. Everyone followed suit they were all exhausted.  

...

The next morning when Will came downstairs April was dancing but to actual music in the kitchen. He stopped and watched her, he missed mornings like this, watching her do her thing in the kitchen, cooking brought her so much joy and after last night he was happy to see her happy.

“Good morning,” He said somewhat softly.

“Morning,” she said with a small smile.

He would’ve waited but time was of the essence so he asked, “I need to say something and I hope it won’t upset you but I think it needs to be said,” Will started.

April stopped what she was doing and looked at him, waiting for him to disclose, a nervousness building within her.

“I haven’t told, nor do I plan on telling Natalie about what happened between us. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t either,” Will said seriously.

He was pulling that professional tone again; his voice cool. Besieged on all sides; April couldn’t get a break as she looked back at him mirroring his cold tone.

“I hadn’t exactly planned on it either,” April answered before turning to continue mixing the orange flavored pancakes she was making.

Will felt a little guilty adding to her problems but it had to be addressed at some time. Just then the door opened and Connor and Natalie came in from their run.

“If you guys want to clean up this will all be ready in fifteen minutes,” April announced.

They both ascended up the stairs and got in the shower. Natalie was peeling off her running pants when she noticed how hairy her legs were. She looked for a razor and realized she hadn’t brought one so she went to Will’s bag to see if he packed a disposable one. She was looking in the small pocket inside his suitcase when the pill bottle rolled out. She looked closer at it wondering what medication he was on. She was shocked at the prescription. She thought she heard the floor boards creak so she hastily shoved them back, zipping up the suitcase as she scurried to the bathroom. She got in the shower unable to get her mind off the pills; wondering why a man as young and virile as Will would need that kind of medication.

They all sat and ate breakfast but the mood had changed with everyone; there was too much said and not said between them. Usually it would be Nat that would bring them together but she was still milling over her little discovery. So shockingly of all people it was April.

“I think we need a game, I saw you had a pool table I could take anyone here or we could play cards oh and I noticed the hot tub.”

Natalie perked up at the idea and looked to Will who shrugged Connor was still in a funk but he nodded. They settled on a card game with partners. The game relieved some of the tension and they were soon laughing. It was reaching lunch time but there was no time like the present to have a drink so they all had beers and the social lubrication eventually loosened everyone up. They were on their last game. Natalie and Will were getting schooled by Connor and April so they wrapped up the final round. Just then Natalie had a thought.

“So I know I had my fair share of drinks the night we went to the karaoke bar but I seriously have no idea what happened,” Natalie asked.

“Yeah me neither, one second we were dancing and the next we were at Gaffney,” April added.

The memory of watching her dance made Will look at his hands in shame.

“So we got to the club and I had to use the bathroom,” Connor started,

“You mean abandon me,” Will teased.

Connor shrugged with a giggle, “I go to the bathroom and the guy next to me is you know doing his business until he falls to the ground, still pissing mind you, and frothing from the mouth,” he explained.

Natalie and April laughed.

“So that's where that smell came from,” Will laughed as he pointed to Connor before saying, ”This guy comes out and gets me and I go to the bathroom and there is this guy on the floor with his dick out and all I can think is ‘what the hell Connor I am not into this,’” Will laughed as Connor playfully punched his shoulder.

Natalie and April continued laughing.

Connor smiled saying, “To make a long story short the guy had overdosed.”

They decided on the hot tub after dinner. Natalie got a razor from April and they hung out soaking and trying their best to relax. The overall mood had changed for the better as they talked shop more and discussed what specialty April might go into.

“I don’t know yet maybe PEDS,” she pondered.

Natalie raised her beer at her.

“Or even surgery although I’m not sure what. I think when I get back to school it’ll be clearer,” April admitted.

“You’d be amazing in trauma,” Will started, “You’re fast, you think on your feet, and you’re right ninety percent of the time which is actually better than a lot of the doctors I work with; better than me.”

His tone was allowing his deep admiration and awe of her to spill out. No one could follow it up but his admission prompted Connor to say,

“I didn’t realize you guys worked that much together.”

“Will helped me study a lot,” April added.

“Maybe you need another tutor; considering you took time off,” Connor suggested.

He hadn’t meant for it to come off as an insult but he had managed to offend April and Will with his comment.

“April finished very strong, there was nothing wrong with her tutor,” Will said with a smile but he was annoyed.

“Oh no I didn’t mean it like that just that I could’ve tutored you,” Connor’s tone was flirtatious as he squeezed April’s hand under the water.

Her mood softened until he asked,

“Why did you take the time off if you were excelling?”

“Long story,” April said getting up from the hot tub.

Everyone went silent again. April had enough she wasn’t ready yet and Connor had been a bit relentless. She knew he deserved some kind of explanation but this was not the time or the place. He followed her out; the dripping sounds of water filling the awkward silence they left in the tub for Will and Natalie.

“That’s going to be another fight,” Natalie remarked; taking in the last sips of her beer.

Will shook his head and said, “Probably, however I would rather focus on us,” he leaned in and kissed her.

The kiss deepening until he pulled away.

“Let’s go upstairs,” he said with a grin.

Natalie smiled and they took off to their room.

Connor followed April up to their bedroom. When the door closed he leaned in and kissed her and she kissed him back. She wanted to move forward so she plunged her tongue in his mouth but her doctor’s words rang in her head and if she had another panic attack after being with Connor she would undo months of work and she still wouldn’t have any solutions for her “off limits” problems. His hands were on breasts one moving down her stomach toward her sex when she pulled out of the kiss.

“Connor wait-,"

He was kissing her neck slipping his hand into her bikini bottom.

“Connor stop!” Her volume surprising even her.

He let out a defeated sigh and put his forehead to hers; his hands on the door next to her head.

“I don’t know what to do anymore April,” one of his hands had moved to her chin centering her face to his, “I have been inside every spot of your body; half of me grew inside of your womb,” his other hand on her stomach, "But I’m not allowed in there,” he said using his pointer finger to lightly tap her forehead.

“We’ve been here before. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this…,” Connor said with a deep heaving sigh.

He stepped away from her and grabbed a hoodie, his shoes, and his keys and then he walked out. April slid her hand over her stomach where he had touched her. Her eyes glistening ready to cry as she tried to keep it together at his words until she broke and slid down the door sobbing.

Eventually her voice and throat became raw and her head was spinning from the drinks and her tears so she went downstairs to get a glass of water.

....

The headboard pounded against the wall as Natalie’s moans filled the bedroom before she came. Will never got there but he recognized it with her. The entire time he felt disconnected, his erection artificial and his member numb inside of her. This was not what he dreamed and he felt nauseous inside. This is what hookers must feel like the first time. He got up pasting a fake smile on his face.

“I need a glass of water,” he said pulling up his pajama bottoms, “You want anything?”

Natalie smiled and shook her head no as she got up to go to the restroom. Will was downstairs when he saw April getting water when she turned around her bloodshot eyes gave away her mood.

“April what’s wrong?” Will asked.

“I think I destroy everything I touch,” April said despondently, “I push everyone away and I don’t know why.”

He moved to hug her and she felt safe in his arms until she took a deep breath, the smell of salt and Natalie’s perfume repulsed her and she pulled away. Will was taken aback until he felt the irony. He was downstairs feeling more at home holding April in a hug than he felt while being inside of Natalie.

“I have to wait for Connor,” April said moving to the living room and sitting on the couch.

Will returned upstairs and Natalie was lying down, her eyes already closed. He laid down next to her putting his arm around her but he couldn’t sleep. He had made a terrible mistake and he knew it but he talked himself into it.

 _"I just need more time."_

He repeated in his head over and over, the brainwashing lullaby, until he finally fell asleep.

When morning came Connor was up early and ready to leave he needed this weekend to be over. He came over to the couch and woke April; she'd fallen asleep there waiting for him. In the middle of the night when he had returned he'd seen her there so he’d put a blanket on her. April got up and got dressed. Connor had packed most of her things and before Natalie and Will were even awake they departed. It would’ve seemed rude but he had a surgery at noon and he wanted to be home before then. The car ride was silent and cold again.

“Where did you go all night?” April asked.

“Nowhere, everywhere, it doesn’t matter,” he answered sharply.

“It matters to me, I waited for you," April said; her voice vulnerable.

“I’m going to give you one more chance; I'm begging you....if you love me as much I love you, you will tell me the truth, if not then please don’t say anything else for the rest of the drive home,” Connor said; his tone flat and defeated.

There was nothing but silence until Connor let out a sigh. He was done; until finally April spoke.

"I was injured...pretty badly last spring,” April started, “I took a few weeks off of work and that’s when I moved in with Will.”

Connor released another sigh but it was one of relief.

“I know that much, I actually stopped by your house, some of the nurses had mentioned that a patient had hit you and you took time off of work but why would that make you want to move?” Connor asked; still confused and not completely satisfied.

“God, hospital gossip; can’t even get the stories straight,” April scoffed, “When I got hurt at work it was that gang member who kicked me in the stomach that’s how I lost David.”

The memory angered her; the life of their child cut off senselessly. The anger helped her get through the next sentence.

“No, I was out because I had two injured ribs; one cracked the other badly bruised. I swear it still aches when it rains,” April said still holding her resolve.

“All that from a patient? I’m sorry I’m not following,” Connor asked; still confused but his eyes were softening.

“No, no... there was no patient. It was my lab partner. I invited him out with a group of us for drinks one night. Afterwards he walked me home and asked to use my restroom...but he didn’t actually have to use the restroom,” April felt numb at the revelation she still hadn’t even talked about it in therapy.

Connor was quiet he was trying his best to push away the growing dread; the thought of someone hurting April on purpose, out of his head.

“He tried to kiss me so I slapped him, he didn’t like that, so we fought….he damn near broke my ribs…and he almost strangled me to death,” April said.

The tears were falling down her face but they did nothing to quell her numbness.

The car was slowing down as Connor pulled over to the shoulder; his blue eyes intense and welling with tears. He turned to her undoing his belt.

“I would never hurt you, never lay a hand on you, you know that right?” Connor said his hand against her cheek.

She turned to face him, her face pained by the last detail she had to tell him.

“He strangled me because I wouldn’t stop screaming…while he was…..um….while he was raping me.”

Connor’s mouth dropped as the first tear left his eye.

“What?,” his voice was so hollow she could barely hear him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but... it’s really hard for me to talk about," she sobbed.

His face curled trying to absorb the rage he felt at someone, anyone, hurting her like that.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Connor said his forehead against hers.

“I’m so sorry.”


	7. Repressed Eventually Becomes Expressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April is finally ready to move on and address her issues but this time with Connor there to support her. However on the other side Will is starting to fall apart, the world he built around himself to shield from the pain of being rejected by April is beginning crumble.

“I hate that it happened to me more than anyone will ever understand, I have never felt so powerless... so out of control, it felt like the world was coming undone all around me. I remember being so afraid I thought my chest was going to explode; my heart had never beaten that fast before.”

April was looking at the floor unable to look at either Connor or Dr. Winkler; she was zoned out in the memory.

“When he was…um….everything narrowed to a tiny point. I tried to remove myself from the feeling, the situation, all I had left was my mind.”

April’s tears fell silent she wasn’t choked up by them they fell as naturally as blinking.

“He hadn’t gotten there so I began talking myself out of it; finding the faces of my loved ones. I started reciting some medical advice and jargon; answering questions.”

It dawned on April in that moment that Will was the last voice she heard before she finally came to and it may have been his voice “his presence” in her head that was the source of her panic attacks after the incident.

_“A protrusion of all or part of an organ through the wall of the cavity that contains it,”_

_“oww-no!God help me,”_

_“April focus,”_

_“Her-nia,”_

_“Ruptured heart wall”_

_“Cardiorrhexis-ow”_

_“Stay with me,”_

_“I can’t…I can’t,”_

April had completely stopped talking her mind back in that night; the hell she’d endured and tried to mentally escape; Will’s voice acting as a tether to a strange world; their bubble. It wasn’t until Connor squeezed her hand that she realized she wasn’t there anymore. Her eyes glazed over, her tears sticky on her cheeks as they dried. They stopped for the day. It was more than Dr. Winkler had gotten out of April in months and he could see the connection she had with Connor, but she needed a break; she was emotionally exhausted.

Connor took April home and she passed out, her head in his lap, as he stroked her hair. He took her to her bed and tucked her in before heading over to Molly’s to have a drink. He needed one after the last forty-eight hours. When she told him in the car he wanted to do nothing else but hold her but he had a surgery.

He kept it together through the procedure; the usefulness remedied the pain and helplessness he felt. But when he got home it began unraveling. He dropped one of his socks after getting out of the shower, he picked it up, and accidentally dropped it again; this time in a glass of water on his coffee table. He found himself throwing his shoes, socks and then tossing his coffee table. He was so angry, of course not at her, but at what happened to her and a little at himself for feeling like he had put too much pressure on her to disclose her truth, one she hadn’t even told her doctor. She must’ve noticed because she invited him to a session. He was feeling as zoned out as she was when Will snapped his fingers and waved his hand next to him.

“You good?” Will asked playfully but still curious.

“Oh yeah, yeah just a lot of stuff going through my head right now,” Connor answered; leaning back in his chair before he took a sip of his whiskey.

He looked over at Will recollecting the last time they saw each other.

“By the way I never got a chance to apologize to you and Natalie about my behavior over the weekend,” Connor said regretfully.

“Don’t worry about it, all couples fight, it happens,” Will said shrugging his shoulders.

“April,” Connor said sighing and staring into his glass.

Will nodded understanding more in the tone of her name than Connor even realized.

Both men were staring at the large flat screen TV watching and not watching the game on the screen.

“You knew didn’t you?”

It was revealing and his tone was too grim and shattered for Will not to know what he was alluding to.

“Yeah,” Will said in all but a regretful whisper, “She didn’t tell me, I actually kind of always knew but she would never really say it.”

Will now shared the same zoned out look in his eyes that Connor had.

“Did you know she came to work the following Monday?” Will said, “She was in total denial about all of it, Ethan noticed first and then it just kind of snowballed from there.”

Will picked up his beer and took a gulp hoping he could swallow some of the emotions he felt about the memory; about her.

“She would do that,” Connor said and he began to laugh at the thought of April doing something so irrational until Will realized his laughter had turn to tears.

Connor got up and went to the restroom. Will followed a moment later to check on him. Connor practically tackled him in a hug.

“Thank you for getting her out of there and for encouraging her to get help,” Connor wiped his face. “I’m so grateful that I get to be here for her now, to see her through this. I've got to go but I got your beer, it’s the least I can do for the whole weekend crap.” He said recognizing the paltry offer.

He gave Will a pat on the back and then he left. Will stood their seemingly holding his breath before he ran to the stall and vomited. The whole situation was becoming too much for him and the nauseated feeling he had after making love to Natalie continued to loom.

He'd encouraged April to get help and he was hoping they could’ve healed together but instead she was getting help with her new boyfriend. He sunk down to the bathroom floor and leaned against the side of the stall giving the other side a hard kick as he thumped his head back on the door. “1,2,3,4,5,6…,7,8,9,10.. _God, why didn’t she want me? What did I do so wrong?_

……………………

“When did you first feel that powerlessness or the feeling of being out of control again? I only ask because those kinds of triggers are usually what brings about panic attacks.”

“Off limits,” April responded quickly

She was meeting with Dr. Winker and she'd brought Connor again. She wanted to tackle the actual panic attacks; which meant there had to be some amount of truth if she was going to figure out how to have a healthy sexual relationship with Connor.

“Okay, okay,” Dr. Winkler conceded.

She wanted to talk about it but she didn’t want to mention Will. So she made the next the admission.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been so used to saying no but I think I do want to talk about that.” She took a deep breath before starting,” Months ago, unplanned, I slept with someone and afterward I had my first panic attack.”

April still felt guilty making that admission knowing she was now with Connor and that she couldn’t tell him who, per Will’s wishes and really her own. He was seated next to her still supportive but now he was curious again. He shouldn’t have been but he had told her all of his past dating experiences. This was neither the time nor the place so he put his attention back to the task at hand.

“I was still holding onto the lie I’d constructed for myself, it was keeping me alive until it happened again but…during,” April admitted.

She was embarrassed because of how masked the recall was; how Connor had actually been there moments before she seduced Will and recklessly used the experience to open up her wound. A wound she then punished Will for trying to heal. 

Dr. Winkler hadn’t gotten much out of April until the current and last session but even now he could see that something was different in her face and her tone, he’d been doing this kind of work long enough to know there was more to the story but he could also see how intrigued Connor was and he didn’t want to open up the session to it. This was not couples counseling.

“So April I want to try a technique for your panic attacks called exposure. Exposure is done gradually, starting with low to moderately stressful experiences and situations, and building  the ‘emotional muscle’ with each successive step, until you can confidently take on the toughest challenges. Cognitive skills and mindfulness are practiced during exposure, to minimize discomfort and maximize success. Once your brain learns that these feelings and sensations are not dangerous, it stops sounding the alarm,  _stops triggering panic_.” Dr. Winkler stated before he asked,

“How did you feel the first time Connor kissed you?” he asked with a kind smile.

“I felt a little nervous but as soon as we kissed it went away, I mean its kind hard to tell the difference. Connor and I have kissed in the past I mean we’re sort picking up where we left off so I’m a little anxious,” April said shrugging with a half-smile.

“And this technique could work so we can actually try doing things?” Connor asked with a bashful grin.

April had to laugh at it he had been particularly patient and incredibly supportive of her through the last couple of months. She was ready to finally move on, Will had, and she had made some powerful breakthroughs in therapy; it was time.

………

“Okay how about this?” Connor said.

April giggled, “It tickles actually, just do it,” April said trying to be a little more serious and focused.

Connor looked at her again with a devilish look but an innocent smile as his mouth engulfed her breast. The feeling didn’t panic her so she let him continue. He stopped and climbed on top of her so their bodies were even.

“You okay?”

“Yes,” She said with a smile.

She could feel the stiffness on her leg. Her eyes narrowed down and his followed.

“Sorry,” he smiled apologetically.

‘Don’t be, you know we might be taking things slow with me but we don’t have to with you,” April said raising her eyebrows at him. “Lay down.”

He flipped to his back putting one arm behind his head. April straddled him kissing his lips first and then trailing tiny kisses with her tongue down his stomach to the stiffness she felt earlier. Her mouth enveloped it and she received him as far as she could to the back of her throat, he used his free hand to pull her hair out the way to see her face but the heat of her mouth forced his eyes closed. He could feel her mouth tighten to a suckle as she bobbed vigorously against him; her tongue twirling around him pushing him to the edge. The wordless incoherent moans were a signal before the gush of honey textured liquid filled her mouth and her throat. His hips were pushing up as he groaned recklessly.

“Wow, that was a lot,” April smiled almost shyly wiping the corner of her mouth.

Connor was still trying to get his wits; his lower lip was almost numb and he was letting out small gasps.

“It’s been a while,” he said laughing.

“We’ll get there,” April answered with a wink as she curled up to him.

………

When Will saw Connor at Molly’s he’d listened to him talk about April and her attack and it had made him sick, but the final straw came after a game of pick-up. Connor divulged that they were trying different things out sexually to help her overcome her panic attacks. Connor was excited and happy but his words made Will feel empty, numb and finally angry. His sadness was like a stone he’d swallowed heavy in his stomach, crushing him until nothing was left of him but anger. He put every last ounce of energy he had into his happiness with Natalie; pretending everything was fine while he was with Connor or April and it was taxing. Natalie had notice his grumpy ways had returned but he assured her it was just the stress of working in the ED and pulling too many double shifts.

But at night when he was alone with his thoughts he would find himself ready to break down and let the rock tumble, but whenever he felt like he could move the rock the emotions flooded him; overwhelming him like a cracked dam and he’d plug the hole. The rock was now a boulder plugging a larger dam but how long could he hold it in place?


	8. Anger Management

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will is falling apart. We join him after the events from the cabin to answer the question; "Why is he so angry?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to get crazy in the next couple of chapters and I wrote kind of an intense trash scene between April and Will not unlike chapter eleven of Study Buddies.....so there's that. Once again to the 3 people reading this bear with me down my angst rabbit hole.

When Will woke up the next morning Natalie was still asleep. He went for a quick run hoping to clear out the nauseating pit that had taken residence inside of him. He got in and took a shower, when he finished Natalie was out of bed and downstairs in the kitchen. She was packing up groceries and a few small items that she brought to the cabin.

“Good morning,” he said smiling as he made his way over to her to give her a kiss.

“Morning,” she responded returning his kiss with a smile to match.

“Do you need any help?” Will asked looking around the kitchen.

“Nope, this is it. I figured we’d just eat a throwaway breakfast and then stop for lunch?”

“Sounds good,” Will nodded.

Natalie called a cleaning service and typed in a temporary alarm code before they got in her jeep.

“April and Connor left pretty early,” Natalie remarked.

“Yeah Rhodes had a surgery this afternoon so he had to get back for it,” Will answered looking through his phone’s music list.

“I don’t know about those two….sometimes I think they are this amazing couple but other times…I don’t know,” Natalie said.

She wasn’t trying to make a point just a casual observation but her topic of conversation was irritating to Will.

“Well she made her choice,” he grumbled.

“What do you mean by that?” Natalie asked looking away from the road to him.

“Nothing,” Will answered curtly.

“Hey,” Natalie said putting her hand on his, “Are you okay?”

The sick feeling Will had in stomach grew and he dug down deep to respond.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little tired…. _someone_ kept me up last night,” he looked over to her and smiled squeezing her hand back.

Natalie blushed and looked back at the road thinking to the pill bottle she found in Will’s luggage. He turned on some music and they casually listened; enjoying the drive until they hit the city.

She dropped him off without coming in because she needed to get home to her parents who were watching Owen. They were visiting for the rest of the week. He gave her a kiss and they made plans for her to come over in a few days after her parents left.

When Will got upstairs he immediately began unpacking. If he didn’t do it now he wouldn’t later. He emptied the contents into his hamper and dispensed his toiletries taking care to place his pills in his sock drawer. When he was putting away his bag he threw it to the top of his closet but instead the action toppled a box of summer clothes and smaller box of personal paperwork and certificates he’d received over the years. He sighed, bending down to pick them up, securing everything large before moving to the paperwork. A picture slipped out, it was the same one April kept on the sofa table at her house; a shot of them being silly and making a face at the camera. He peeled back the rest unveiling the other three shots; a “serious one,” a happy one, and one where they almost missed the flash because they were trying to decide what face to make. The picture caught Will’s adoration for her and her for him, a fleeting moment neither realized was captured on camera just a few weeks before the night of the storm. He stared at the photo longer than he wanted to before crushing it in his hands and throwing it across the room. The nauseous feeling was back and it brought it's friend; anger.

Will had done a pretty good job of keeping his temper in line but things had gotten out of his control when he ran into Connor at Molly’s and they came to head when the pair played another pick-up game against the dentists.

“How’s it going?” Will asked causally as they walked out to the court.

“Good, very good since April’s therapist suggested _exposure_ therapy that only _I_ get to dispense to her!” Connor answered; his smile bright and his mood much more elevated than the last time they spoke.

Will could hardly contain his hurt but it shifted into the stone-rage growing inside him every day. He smiled a closed lip smile but his eyes were a tangled mess. The rage exploded on the court when he elbowed Marty the dentist;bloodying his lip. The game stopped as the two doctors attended to him and Marty’s partner Jake told a story about how his front tooth was a fake because something similar happened to him resulting in his career choice. Will felt terrible about it, vowing to hold it together, but days later he saw Connor and April. Connor was pulling her face in for a kiss before he descended back upstairs after one of her therapy sessions it soured his mood for the rest of the evening; an evening that was supposed to be spent with Natalie.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen this one,” he said.

Will plopped on the couch next to Natalie with a bowl of popcorn as the movie started.

He didn’t find it particularly interesting but he didn’t hate it either, Natalie had picked _The Family Stone_ to watch after they’d gone out to have dinner. Neither had too much energy to do much else after a full day at work so this date was perfect.

“So I ran into Connor earlier today,” Natalie stated.

Will looked over at her; his energy to hold it together volatile. “Oh yeah? What was he up to?”

Will didn’t want to know in the least.

“Oh not much he wanted to invite us to dinner to make up for the whole cabin trip weekend, I guess he still feels pretty badly,” Natalie said with forgiveness in her eyes.

“I don’t know, he bought me a beer the other day…I mean, I don’t know,” Will said looking back at the television to avoid her eyes.

“You don’t want to go?” Natalie said almost shocked and confused, “Will they’re our friends.”

“They fight all the time I don’t even know why they’re together,” he said frustrated.

“He seems to be in great spirits lately, her too, I think things have been getting _real_ good between them,” Natalie said almost laughing.

The harsh reminder of their sex life caused the delicate energy he put toward Natalie to go off kilter; his eyes filled with hurt and then with rage.

“I’m sure,” He all but hissed.

Natalie was taken aback by his tone, “What-are you okay?”

He took a deep breath and blew out the air trying to dispel his anger, “Yeah," he answered plastering on a smile that barely made it to his eyes, “I think that I’m just done talking about them when I'd rather be doing this.”

Will moved the popcorn out of the way and kissed Natalie; almost immediately moving his tongue to her mouth. He was making use of the pill he’d swallowed earlier. Natalie was caught off guard but welcomed the kiss, when he pulled his shirt off and then began unbuttoning hers she barely had time to register the change in his mood. They stumbled upstairs, Will rapaciously unbuttoning his pants, and kissing Natalie’s neck and her shoulders as he sprinkled her clothes throughout his bedroom getting her to his bed. He quickly buried himself inside of her, each quick thrust taking him away from the conversation; away from thoughts of April. Natalie couldn’t help but notice the speed he was going; it wasn’t like the first time. His lips were working furiously away on her neck and then her mouth like she was something to eat that he couldn’t get enough of, it felt great but she couldn’t stay in any particular feeling for too long before he was moving his face to another part of her body.

“Will, ah, Will, ah- look at me,” Natalie moaned between breaths.

He was somewhere else.

“Will,” Natalie used her hands to grab his face and turn it to her, “Look at me,” Natalie’s eyes were concerned.

He honored the command but when she looked at him his expression was void. He tried to keep going but he softened and let out a long sigh before rolling to his back.

“What’s going on Will?” Natalie asked turning to her side to look at him.

“I’ve just been really tired and stressed out lately,” Will said.

“Are you sure that’s it?” Natalie asked pressing further.

“What else would it be?” Will said looking from the ceiling to her.

“I don’t know… it’s just you kind of seem down, kind of like you were when we first started dating, but now maybe a bit angry,” Natalie said moving her hand to his chest before continuing.

“You know sometimes depression manifests as anger and it causes other problems too…sexual ones,” Natalie said.

Will’s face was embarrassed but also annoyed that she had found out about his pills; he turned to her scrunching his face at her discovery.

“I didn’t mean to find them I was looking for a razor in your bag,” Natalie said sitting up as he was too.

“I mean I’m not a psychiatrist but-," Natalie started.

“-You’re right Natalie you’re not,” he said bending to grab his pants from the floor.

“Okay,” she said softly while getting up, “I should go, I have to relieve the sitter.”

He rubbed the back of his neck before getting up and saying, “Nat, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that, I know you’re just trying to help.”

He kissed the top of her forehead and then her lips twice. She gave him a defeated smile as she looked for her clothes tossed around his room. Will was going to the bathroom when she spotted her pants near the door. She picked them up but grabbed something extra in the dark corner. It was balled up and she would’ve thrown it away but the familiarity of the paper made her open it. The glossy feel was that of photo paper, a picture, four of them in total all of Will and April. She smiled at the first three but her eyes lingered on the last as she tried to make out the expressions through the crinkles. Before she had a chance to really absorb the image she heard Will coming down the hall and she stuffed the photo in her pocket.

“I found your shirt,” Will said with a smile.

Natalie gave him a half smile and snatched the shirt out of his hand. Will walked her to the door and gave her another kiss.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” Will said regretfully, “Are we good?”

Natalie nodded giving him another kiss to seal her forgiveness.

Will went upstairs and laid down on his bed. He wanted peace, he wanted rest, but eventually the events of the night led him to the inevitable thoughts and to the world he knew only as April. The questions were beginning to plague him more than they ever had. _Why had she pushed him away? Why was Connor good enough to be the boyfriend she could be with through this but not him?_ Some nights he just felt used, the way she left him in bed after their first time, the way she discarded him so easily after the second time only to introduce Connor back into her life. The man who cheated on her was still a better option than him.

_“Why was I good enough to live with, have sex with, and to talk to, but not good enough to love? Maybe there’s something wrong with me, maybe I’m who they date when their Prince Charming doesn’t work out?”_

Rage was now the lullaby and it cradled Will to sleep. It was easier than spending nights crying so he let it in and it consumed him.

When Natalie arrived home Owen would not go down she was preoccupied with him until he finally fell asleep against her chest in her bed. She thought a moment to the night and to the picture in her pocket. She tried to recollect the photo not willing to move the sleeping babe from her to study it. In the morning she got up and tossed the jeans in her hamper and put the thought away, stowed in the same place she let all of her peevish thoughts of Will and April go because after all they were only friends and had only been friends.


	9. Se Siente tan bien.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wants to make up for his bad behavior at the cabin so he gets everyone together for dinner but more is on the menu besides drinks and laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10 is TRASH......This is your last warning....

April felt like a high school girl with the world’s most attentive boyfriend. They weren’t having actual penetrative sex but the past few weeks they had been working their way up to it. Most days were heavy petting sessions where Connor would stop ever so often to ask if she was “okay” or if she wanted to “try something else”. She always was and she always did, April knew somewhere in the back of her mind that the one reason the therapy was seemingly working was because it wasn’t Will.

Will; who even now when he passed by her the hair on her forearms would stand at attention and she could barely catch her breath. Most of the time she chalked it up to the awkwardness of all the unspoken that still brewed around them. He still had a dizzying effect on her even through his mood swings. April had noticed that too; a sort of light had left him as of late. Periodically she would steal looks at him in the ED. She’d witnessed a sort of quiet death; it had taken over him placing a look in his eyes that wasn’t even rivaled to his rejection from Natalie. She wondered if something was going on but she usually talked herself out of the reality; that his heart, although patched up by Natalie, was still very much broken and by her nonetheless. She couldn’t deal with it or ask about it so she chalked it up to stress and work and went on believing what she always believed. _He was with Natalie, she was with Connor and everyone was moving on._

.... 

April tried to have Connor over at least once a week for exposure therapy. But tonight would be _the_ night they finally attempted to have sex. They had scheduled it before their double date with Natalie and Will, it wasn’t April’s idea but Connor wanted to make up for his surly mood at the cabin and he’d convinced her that they would work up an appetite. He was too cute to resist so they made the plan for the following day.

Connor was at the hospital giving a consult for a patient Dr. Choi was for sure needed surgery, his exact language in the page was “It’s a doozy.” When Connor came down the steps a few residents were patching up two screaming women and a man who stood between them with a knife plunged into his chest. Strangely enough the man was talking and trying to reason with the two ladies while Dr. Choi was trying to get him to sit down. He turned and saw Connor.

“What in the world is going on?” Connor asked with an excited curiosity.

“A stabby soap opera story,” Dr. Choi answered shaking his head.

Connor ordered a scan to see where the knife had hit before determining that surgery was definitely needed. He performed it and everything went smoothly but when he got out of the OR he realized he had no family or friends to update so he found Ethan to see where the two screaming women had gotten off to.

“Jail,” Ethan said with another deprecating smile at the situation.

“What? _Really_? Okay what’s the story? I have to hear this,” Connor said smiling.

“So this guy has been sleeping with the two women that you saw yelling earlier but only one of them doesn’t know and _she_ got home and caught them on the kitchen table, hence the quick action with the knife,” Ethan said with a wonder at the situation.

“She was lucky she didn’t kill him she missed his aorta by less than three centimeters,” Connor remarked with a judgment, “There are literally two million people in this city I wonder how two people could end up with the same man and by choice nonetheless,” Connor remarked about to walk away until Ethan said,

“It happens all the time, even in a city of two million, like with you and April and her and Wi-,"

Ethan stopped his sentence when Connor’s eyes looked confused.

“Never mind,” Ethan said walking away, “I’ll find the next of kin-," he began until Connor stopped him.

“-No, wait April and who?” Connor asked pulling himself closer to Ethan.

“Nothing man,” Ethan said trying to get out of the conversation and get back to work but Connor was a dog with a bone; his eyes pressed him.

“Well her and Will,” Ethan finally said.

 “They weren’t together-wait why do you think that?” Connor asked folding his arms.

He was intrigued his tone mildly playful.

“Well there’s the obvious, they lived together and the fact that he took care of her when she was out after getting hurt last spring but it was their behavior one day at lunch that made me think that something finally happened,” Ethan said trying his best to not ruffle any feathers but he had stirred the pot.

“Like,” Connor pressed on but the seriousness had flooded his words the playful tone was gone.

“They both literally clammed up the moment I joined them at lunch like whatever they were talking about I could not be privy to and the way they were rubbing at their muscles like they were sore, it was where they were rubbing, it was suspect. I mean it was just a sense, a feeling from the situation.“

“Okay Detective Choi don’t quit your day job,” Connor said rolling his eyes until Ethan said.

“When I noticed how sore they both appeared I asked if they had done a lot of moving,because she was moving out, and April choked on her water and Will blushed like a strawberry. I’d say ‘okay nothing to see here' but she hired movers; neither of them had lifted a thing…at least not any boxes,” Ethan raised both hands and slid back dropping the metaphorical bomb into Connor’s lap, “But hey, it was just a feeling.”

Connor still felt like it was conjecture at best, but on his way out of the hospital the words started to water a familiar weed that really had never been plucked from his garden of suspicion.  He’d never really shook the strange feeling he got from them when he interrupted whatever they were doing before he got to April’s apartment. Then there was the weird exchange at dinner that was supposedly only weird because of Will’s pressure on April to go to counseling, but April was already in counseling so why were they still estranged? Then there was the obvious connection a world almost impenetrable to him and Nat that he witnessed at the bar during trivia. He was all the way up to April’s apartment with these obsessive thoughts rattling in his head when he knocked on her door.

The thoughts flew away as quickly as they arrived when he saw April. She was dressed in a matching red lace bra and underwear set that she bought for the occasion. She pulled him in by the collar and they immediately began kissing. The trail of Connor’s clothes were like breadcrumbs to her room. The two of them naked under her blankets as Connor lay on top of her still asking for permission every two seconds until April yelled,

“Connor! Jesus just put it in! _I’m fine_ ,” April had to laugh.

“Okay, okay, sheesh,” he laughed back kissing her and pushing himself in at the same time.

It had been too long, for both of them, he moved slowly at first as they stared at each other; Connor taking cues from her at how fast or slow he should go.

“You still good? How do you feel?” He said slowing his grinding down.

The pace was a bit excruciating but in the best way possible for April her eyes were closed and she was speaking Portanglish a name Connor made up when she made no sense in English, Spanish, or Portuguese.

“God que se siente tan bien Connor,” April moaned not really paying him any attention.

Connor sped up pushing himself closer but her words had a strange effect on him. He continued at that pace barely able to focus on her as the feeling engulfed him before finally he came undone. Coming inside of her should have been the highlight of his year but there was an asterisk there. He couldn’t get what she said out of his head.

 _“Se siente tan bien”_ The words played like a song with no title. Where had he heard them before and from whom? They got dressed and went down the street walking to the restaurant but he couldn’t stop the words in his head from repeating:

_“Se siente tan bien”_

They walked in and Natalie and Will were just arriving as well. Everyone said hello but he was preoccupied with trying to figure out why the phrase stuck out.

“Connor,” April interrupted his thoughts, “Natalie asked how the knife-guy’s surgery went,” she asked looking at him with a slight concern.

“Oh sorry, it went well, he’s going to pull through,” Connor answered.

_“Se siente tan bien-”_

 “-Connor, are you ready to order?” April asked still wondering where he was. The dinner was his idea yet he seemed completely checked out.

“Uh yeah- come back to me,” Connor answered foggily.

They went around the table and ordered; he picked something quickly not really having looked at the menu, his mind had turned obsessive and the Will shaped weed was nourished and almost ready to harvest.

Where had he heard it before? _Dammit Choi_ he had gotten into his head and then he thought to himself… _Choi…Choi_ _se siente tan bien._

The past conversations whirling around in his head as he plucked the pieces and started putting it together.

_“Ethan noticed it first.”_

_“I don’t know if you noticed or if I’m just seeing things but is there something going on between Will and April?”_

_“Months ago, unplanned, I slept with someone.”_

_“So that’s it?”_

_“Well what else would there be?”_

“Mmm try this it’s good,” April said holding out her fork to Connor.

He gave her a face at the fork and shook his head no.

“Yeah actually you’re right that is _really good_. Will said smiling, a small chuckle at his surprise at the dish.

It was finally coming together it was the pneumonia patient he came down to give a consult with for Dr. Choi and he overheard Will asking a question.

Suddenly the blood left Connor’s face and a white-hot anger flushed through him that he’d never experienced before. He looked to Will smiling at April and then to Natalie as April offered small bites of her meal.

“It was _you_ ,” Connor said; his volume barely registering at the table, a heat growing in his words.

“Se siente tan bien, remember that Will?” Connor asked with a contained hostility he never knew.

His voice was louder now so everyone could hear. Will looked at him confused.

“What? What are you saying?” as he looked over to April to interpret but she looked thrown off.

“That day at the hospital you asked Rosa what that meant ‘Se siente tan bien’ and I translated it. What were you asking her that for?” Connor asked as the rage filled his face and his jaws clenched.

Immediately Will’s cheeks flushed a shade of strawberry as the memory came back to him; nothing about that time was forgotten or lost to him. He adjusted his posture in his chair.

“I couldn’t tell you that man I don’t really remember,” he said lying and looking to his wine glass as he brought it up to his mouth.

“See that’s so hard for me to believe because it feels _really_ good with her,” Connor said through his teeth, “She isn’t forgettable, I would know.”

“Connor?!” April blurted out; embarrassed, but her outburst was giving validity to Connor’s cryptic statements.

Will half shook his head still looking away with a shrug. He hoped the lie would end the topic but he could feel Connor’s glare burning a hole into his face.

“Will?” Natalie finally piped up looking to him, “What’s he talking about?” Natalie looked around the table then to April but she quickly avoided her eyes.

Will and Connor were now locked in a fierce stare.

“Oh so I guess I’m not the only one out of the loop here,” Connor said finally blinking and slowly looking at Natalie.

Natalie was absorbing the seriousness in his eyes.

 “April?...Will? Someone please say something!” Natalie commanded, as she was now sitting up and visibly angry as well.

“Yes please someone finally SAY IT!” Connor said loudly pounding his fist on the table.

April and Will both flinched at the command.

The entire restaurant went quiet as all eyes were on the table of four friends sealed into a moment no one wanted to be in. Connor brought his gaze back to Will and then over to April.

He shook his head in anger when a cold smile unfurled across his face. Natalie looked angry but more than that confused. The seconds ticked by; the silence and confusion at the table was increasing Connor’s fury, finally he broke the quiet.

“Did you sleep with him?” he seethed through his teeth trying once again to contain his anger.

Will and Connor were still locked in eye contact but the question was toward April; she’d already lied to him once so he wanted to see Will’s expression when he asked. The truth was finally forcing itself up and out and the guilt was all over Will’s face. Connor asked again frustrated in the silence but this time to Will.

“Did you sleep with April?” the anguish in his voice was starting to match the anger.

Natalie’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped as she looked to April and Will.

“What?! When?! Natalie asked astonished; still allowing the words to sink in, “Oh my god,” she said putting her head to her forehead.

Will looked over at her.

“It was a while ago it didn’t mean anything,” Will answered still looking at Connor but replying to Natalie.

He ignored April’s eyes because if he’d seen them then he might have felt some regret in his choice of words. Connor shook his head not believing Will’s answer or its depth.

April got up and threw her napkin on the table practically running out. Connor swiftly followed chasing after her.

The murmurs in the restaurant were beginning to fill the silence that Connor’s outburst had occupied.

“April!” Connor ran her down half a block. He grabbed her arm to stop her.

“How could you do that?!” April turned to Connor screaming at him.

“How could I?! April you lied to me! I asked you if anything happened between you two and you said no!” Connor yelled back.

“You asked if we dated I said we _didn’t_ because we _didn’t_ , I was too messed up to be in a relationship at the time,” April said with the same intensity but her voice was lower the crowd around them was starting to stare.

“Really, semantics, you knew what I meant!” Connor yelled not caring about the bystanders until another piece of the puzzle knocked the wind out of him, “Oh my god... you were too messed up to be in a relationship with _him_ , that’s why you two stopped talking.”

He paced around her in small steps gathering his senses and allowing all the strings and pieces to pull and put themselves together in light of the confession. His phone pinged and he realized it was his patient from earlier, he had to leave. A heavy sigh left his chest and he stormed away not saying goodbye he had to try and focus on work now.

Natalie slumped back down in her chair the air was thick but cold between her and Will.

“You guys didn’t….while we’ve been dating did you?” Natalie asked cutting through it.

“No.” Will answered quietly.

“Was it when she lived with you?” Natalie questioned, finally looking at Will.

“The first time, yes,” Will answered again quietly but now looking at Natalie with a bit of shame and regret.

Natalie’s eye widened momentarily, “The _first_ time!? Oh...okay...I guess you didn’t have any problem rising to the occasion for her,” Natalie stated her words laced with anger.

Will sighed in frustration looking down and away from her again. He paid the rest of the bill and got up to follow Natalie out.

“I think that I want to go home, but alone tonight,” Natalie stated her voice was more disappointed now than angry.

Will nodded and shut the door to her car. The night had turned into a nightmare and they all still had to face each other at work.

………

April went back to Connor’s apartment to wait for him to finish work. She had hoped to repair things, but even internally she was conflicted, confused, and incredibly ashamed at the outcome of the situation. When the door opened he saw her but he looked annoyed at her presence.

“Connor,” April started as she walked toward him.

He stepped back walking away and past her before twirling around pointing and saying,

“It was him, wasn’t it? He was the one you slept with, the one that caused the panic attacks,” he put another piece of it together before coming to another conclusion, “Do you love him?” he asked narrowing his eyes.

The question stunned April; it wasn’t anything she’d admitted out loud to anyone.

“Oh god… see that should be the easy one ‘we were bored, drunk, lonely,’” Connor said listing them with his fingers, “Those would be acceptable responses but that silence," he said shaking his head in disbelief before yelling, "Get out!” Connor seethed through his teeth.

“Connor please...,” April pleaded grabbing his arm. 

He pulled it away and looked at her before saying,

“You don’t get it April, I don’t trust you. I don’t know what you consider a big enough detail of your life to tell me. Not our son, not your rape, and definitely not our friend YOU FUCKED!” He yelled; his tone making her flinch. He took a deep breath in before saying,

“Why couldn’t you have told me the truth? Why do I always have to beg you talk to me, to tell me things….to love me?” Connor’s voice cracked at the end.

The rage began to melt away as April saw how her lies had affected Connor.

“You don’t, I do love you,” April said looking down and away from Connor. “I just…I don’t know,”

“I do,” Connor said regretfully his blues eye full of a manic sadness and rage that threatened the fallacious world April thought her feelings for Will resided in.

He stepped closer to her and lifted her chin making her look at him; his blue eyes brimming with tears. She could’ve been swallowed up by those eyes their sorrow their heartbreak.

”Because I’m not Will,” he dropped his hand let out a sigh walking away leaving her standing there alone.

April would’ve cried but the responsibility was on her, she didn’t feel like she deserved to cry, not in Connor’s house, not when she had hurt him so badly. She opened the front door and closed it not realizing that it would be the last time they would speak.


	10. Off The Wagon and In the On-Call Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will and April talk but the outcome is not how either of them plans for it to go.

April used the rest of the week to reflect on everything that had transpired. Always stopping when she thought about Connor’s question, _“Do you love him?”_ and the answer was simply; yes. Will had taken his time from the first moment they touched. She noticed he savored every feeling taking so much care even in their first kiss. None of it had been triggering or upsetting the entire embrace felt amazing better than anything she had ever felt before because they weren’t just having sex they were weaving in and out of each other, intertwining, creating another world, not knowing where one person ended and the other began and none of it scared her until the moment it was over. The experience was truly consuming and she was absolutely afraid to have that feeling taken away to never experience that kind of love again, the weight of it all was absolutely terrifying; the opposite of how Parker had made her feel what he had created in her. The two worlds were parallel separated by a thin line. One was life the other death. The second time she had sex with Will she crossed that thin line. She opened that door and allowed him into their world letting her fear and doubt over her feelings for Will invade her mind her heart and mess with her rationality. To get back some kind of control she closed that door and she locked Will in it with Parker.

If she had to come to her senses about Connor whether pushed by him or not then it was time to finally come clean to Will. She knew she didn’t really deserve a second chance and the timing was tacky but he needed to know, maybe it would help him heal a bit inside to know that she had made a mistake, that he was loved by her. The fact that they shoved their feelings away and never had a proper discussion about them was a lot of the reason they ended up in the place they were in now. However getting the message to him would be a challenge.

…………………..

When Will went home after the disastrous dinner he realized that it had been a horrible decision not to tell Natalie. Part of him didn’t feel like it was relevant, he and April were in the past and he thought couples shouldn’t hold past love interests or sexual partners against one another. But that was the part of him that had created the fictitious world he used so he could even be in a relationship with Natalie and run from his feelings for April. He held to that part as he realized it had kept him together these last few months. His heartbreak over April had been more cataclysmic to him than originally felt. He knew he was morally righteous in his decision to push her towards therapy but her actions and ultimately her relationship with Connor had eradicated him; leaving nothing behind but rage. It was one thing for the love of his life to be lost and for her to have to fight for him when she came to her senses but it was another altogether for her to come to her senses and _still_ not try and fight to be with him. It hurt and it had turned his last few months into torture. He didn’t know what happened between her and Connor and frankly he didn’t care. The foursome’s friendship was essentially over so he chose to try and mend things with Natalie and repair the ice wall April originally created by freezing her out and avoiding her completely. It was the only way he could think of to heal and actually move on this time.

He had called Natalie and left a few messages and texts telling her how sorry he was for not telling her everything and she had simply responded with, “ _I just need some time.”_ So that’s what he did. He gave her space and time hoping she would come around and in the meantime he would finally cut off all contact with April or at least he tried until he found himself alone in the hall with her.

April asked Will to the roof to talk. She needed a place that was calm it shouldn’t have been at work but that was the only place she could get to him. Since the explosion at dinner he had stayed far away from her, ignoring her calls, texts, and even her emails. He'd requested different nurses and even rearranged his schedule so he could avoid her. But he ran into her in the hall and no one was around to hide behind or to try and chat with to get away.

“Will…we should talk,” April offered softly.

He hesitatingly nodded and followed her up to the roof. When he turned to her he was stoned faced; his eyes unconcerned, and hardened. It would take all of her courage but she had to do it.

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with you but I think it’s obvious you’re avoiding me, I don’t know why….I never told Connor or Natalie about us because at the time I actually thought it was the smart thing to do…I don’t anymore,” she looked like she was holding her breath but she was holding in the confession she had denied him so many months ago.

“Connor and I are over, it’s really for the best he deserves something I can’t fully give him…because it still lies with you,” April said her chin quivering.

Will was still avoiding her eyes; he looked angry now, her words were tearing at the illusion he had built up over the past few months, an illusion that included Natalie his dream girl.

“Will I-," April started but he cut her off.

“-April I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Connor but I’m still with Natalie, I’m going to try and make it work, try and earn her forgiveness.” He was still looking down unable and completely unwilling to look at her.

He turned walking to the door when she said.

“Please don’t leave,” she sobbed.

“Why?” He asked irritated that his own admission hadn’t been taken seriously.

He kept walking he was inside the frame of the door when through her sobs she said.

“If you leave now... I’ll assume it’s because you don’t want me!”

He closed his eyes still feeling the anger completely tearing at him inside.

“Then don’t assume just know I don’t.”

April sobbed there for a moment before cleaning herself up and returning to the ED. Will requested different nurses the rest of the shift.

Will laid in bed that night thinking about what April said _“he deserves something I can’t fully give him…because it still lies with you”._ He opened his eyes but there she was in his waking mind dancing, swaying, enticing him on the dance floor with the love she snatched away. The memory was now a source of anger adding water and pushing on the boulder threatening to empty the dam of emotions. The crunch and crack of the boulder rumbled inside of him as the endless unanswered questions rolled in. _Why was she doing this? Am I all that’s left since Prince Charming doesn’t want her? Why was I good enough to screw but not good enough to be with?  To love? To wait for? To fight for?Why? Why? Why?_ His thoughts stole most of the sleep that should’ve come to him and the boulder had slipped and cracked; water was now trickling out.

The very next day they had a shift together. He continued his strategy of avoidance and had once again called upon other nurses to work with but even then he still saw her. He had just discharged a patient when he looked up and saw her. There she was standing at the main desk of the ED beautiful and heart-broken his beloved; her skin embracing the light as she tapped into the digital chart and handed it to Dr. Choi, her doe eyes rich but empty. She looked up and over at him feeling his eyes on her. He wanted to avert her gaze but he couldn’t do it. He wanted so badly to stay away from her but her words threatened his sanity, his fragile certainty,his fantastic illusion.

 _He deserves something I can’t fully give him…because it still lies with you…..because it still lies with you….you…you…you_.

Over and over and over again until finally; he snapped. The water pushed the boulder out of the way and poured through him. He stalked over to her.

“I need to talk to you," Will whispered in a venomous tone.

April nodded and he practically grabbed her arm speed walking her over to a rarely used on-call room off the ED. He pushed the door shut and snapped the lock.

He spun her around and grabbed her face kissing her as deeply as he used to, but the second she returned his kiss he pulled back.

“Why did you have to push me away?” he asked his dark eyes locked with hers still incensed.

He didn’t let her answer; he kissed her again but this time passionately and longer. She brought her hands around his neck finally able to return the kiss. He swiftly pulled down her scrub pants as he began to undo the drawstring on his. Will broke away pushing her arms off of him but not as far from her this time still undoing the knot on his pants. 

“Why couldn’t you have waited for me?" Will asked trying to catch his breath and his grip upon reality.  

April’s eye’s pleaded her apology again; her love. He grabbed her face again planting another kiss on her just as fast and just as heavy as before but this time he pushed her toward the wall setting her atop a small desk pulling up her legs as she wrapped one and then the other around him.

“Tell me to stop. Tell me again how much you don’t want me,” Will hissed with a vehement urgency in his eyes.

She could feel the hard tip flirting just outside of her.  

“No, I’m sor-,” April whispered breathlessly.

He didn’t let her finish he slammed into her; the action sliding her up a bit against the wall.

“-Why did you have to start dating Rhodes?” he growled with another forceful movement of hips.

“AH” was the only sound able to abscond from April after each powerful union of their bodies her eyes rolling into the back of her head. She came to and she looked at him their eyes meeting again his still angry.

“I hate you,” Will hissed in both frustration and pleasure thrusting into her again. He let her legs drop quickly pulling her down by the waist and then flipping her over to her stomach.

April felt like rag doll. He wasted no time, she felt the thick member find her again roughly pushing inside of her, the brunt of his vexation felt through the grind of her hip-bones into the desk.

“This is what you like right? This was what I was good for right!?” he said grabbing her shoulders using it to manage each thrust.

He would ram into her deep and hard and after each rigid thrust he’d mark it with an expletive. His curses fleeing his lips trying to reconcile the treachery with the monumental pleasure he felt from being inside her. Eventually he stopped cursing as he pounded away at her faster and faster unable to escape the indulgence of his own hedonism and rage at his actions each movement ready to shatter him at any moment.

“OH GOD!….god damn,” He growled pouring his pent up seed inside of her.

“Fuck,” he continued catching his breath; pulling up his scrub pants.

April slowly pulled her leg through her pants and began tightening the drawstring. 

Will had his hand over his mouth trying to wipe away the traces of her kiss; the fingerprints from a crime scene; he stepped back from her like she was loaded gun pointed at him. They stared at each other a moment; April still trying to convey to him her regret. Will was still breathing heavily his anger still burgeoning under his eyes as his entire body shook. Finally he walked out of the on-call room.

Will instantly made his way to the restroom barely making it through the door as all of his sentiments over the last few months surged. He screamed into his hand, his tears not a choice but an inevitability of too long trying to hold onto an imitative love and a faux reality that he just destroyed.

The toilet flushed and he turned his back away from the mirror hoping whoever it was would just walk away. Will began moving towards a stall when the familiar voice started,

“You know I’ve always found bathrooms to be such a strange place.”

It was Dr. Charles he had turned on the faucet and began washing his hands.

“On one hand they are a place of solace to handle what we can’t in public but then in this case someone walks in and bam you can no longer go number two,” Dr. Charles said with a light chuckle.

He was trying to lighten Will’s mood and the tiniest glimmer of hope arrived into his eyes.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Dr. Charles asked.

“I don’t think I know anymore….,” Will said between gasps of breath and tears,"What I want and what I need.”

He was still turned around; his betrayal of Natalie had made him feel unfit to look at.

“Ah, yeah, getting what we want feels so good it’s usually instant and it usually involves something we’ve desired for a long time like say a dessert or our favorite candy. You have one piece then another and before you know it you feel sick to your stomach.” He said drying his hands.

“Eventually your body asks for the thing it needs and you must oblige so you eat your fruits and your veggies and realize that even though it didn’t seem like that’s what you wanted you ate it anyway and felt better right,” Dr. Charles said looking to Will’s back.

“What?” Will said confused with a smile turning to Dr. Charles.

He had actually managed to pull Will out of his grief for the moment.

“Always go with what you need son, just like good food it will nourish your body and some even say your soul and when in doubt your body will tell you what it needs.”

Dr. Charles gave him a comforting pat and excused himself from the restroom. Will stayed a few minutes longer rinsing his face and then he reported back to the ED.


	11. The Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will finally deals with the two women still in his life but who will he end up with?

There was no pill needed for the punishment he’d doled out to April in that on-call room but he had wished there was a pill to fix what was broken inside of him. Even though a mess of emotions had been left in that room Will felt no clearer. He had laid in his bed all day staring at the ceiling thinking about his actions. April’s moans playing like an audio-tape in his mind; his release inside of her should have relieved some of his feelings, but instead it just opened up the floodgates to his pain, his confusion, and his torture.

The only reprieve from his thoughts was the abstruse words Dr. Charles gave him in the restroom. He thought about what he'd done and why. He wanted April; he’d always want her, his body would always want her, but did he need her? He wanted to be with Natalie, his body didn’t; not naturally, but he’d needed her when he was down and she was there. It wasn’t the same thing as love and he knew it. His fallacious world and inculcating mantras had clouded his clarity and made him second guess his instincts. The worst sentiment was the second pick useless feeling that April had left within him. She was the coward now. Too cowardice to tell him she loved him before the disastrous dinner; before Natalie was even a factor. He was back and forth with his thoughts until a light tap on his door disrupted the rattling in his mind. He sat up when he heard her voice.

“It’s three o‘clock in the afternoon Will,” Natalie announced softly.

She used the same concern in her voice when she'd treated his lip.

“Natalie,” Will said with a sad smile.

She walked over to the side of the bed and sat down before he could get all the way up. He began to but she stopped him.

“Don’t worry about getting up, I won’t be long,” she answered with certainty.

Will looked down at his hands half wondering what she was going to say but also knowing exactly where it was going.

 “I’ve had some time to think,” she said smiling at him, "At first when I got home I thought to myself that Connor and I were kind of over reacting. I mean it didn’t happen while any of us were dating and I felt kind of bad that I sent you home alone," Natalie scoffed shaking her head.

Immediately Will couldn’t look at her anymore; the shame overwhelming him, as the flashes of brown skin and curses had now made his first answer a lie.

“But then I thought about the pills and your mood since we’ve all been friends and the fact that something hasn’t felt right for a while.”

“Nat,” Will started.

“No, please Will, let me finish. That day playing trivia I saw it. I think Connor did too and he was willing to face it but I wasn’t. I mean you two were finishing each other’s sentences and you had so many inside jokes...and then there's the way you look at each other."

She pulled out the creased photo she’d found on his floor the last time they were together.

“Where did you get this?” Will asked thinking the photo had been lost.

“You two are a force, it’s like I’m standing in a hurricane; armed with an umbrella, it’s absurd and I don’t want to be the jerk playing victim.”

“Nat-,” Will started apologetically.

“-Will it was different before, I’d see the way you looked at her but back then I could lie to myself and say it was just friendship but now that I know you two had more than that…it’s not the same.”

She was smiling but her eyes were sad, “I know you’ll always care about me Will but you _love_ her it’s obvious,” Nat said; still sadly but smiling.

Her fingers pushed the fourth picture towards Will so he’d see. The truth flooded Will’s eyes and he felt the shame of denying it the entire time he'd been with her. He really had wanted things to work with Natalie. She was the dream girl; the fantasy, but April was the world, the realty; the everything.

“It’s okay, it really is. Everyone deserves to feel a love like a hurricane, I got to have that once with my husband and you should too….with April.”

She squeezed his hand before she got up and left. There was a bitter sweetness to watching the woman he had pined for, for so long walk away from him for the second time but he didn’t feel heartbroken or rejected. This was how this was always going to happen. This was how this was always supposed to be.

Even having this revelation as he laid in bed wasn’t quite enough to quell the strange rage that was still tearing at him inside. He was an utter emotional mess and he still needed time and space to figure out what he wanted to do about his feelings so he continued the route of avoidance of April, he did not want a repeat experience of the on-call room.

* * *

April thought about finding Will every single day after what happened between them but the bruises on her hips and thighs were a constant reminder of why that was a bad idea. So one day when she was home on a Saturday afternoon, only after making a big decision, she decided it was time to try and make contact with him.

The phone lit up next to Will as he sat at his dining table. Her name, the name he had avoided at all costs, flashing on the screen of his phone over and over again. He let it get to the last ring before he finally decided to pick it up. There was silence on his end, he hadn’t even said hello.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey,” he answered back echoing her tone.

“I uh thought the phone was safer…," April said tapering off.

“It probably is….I’m- I’m sorry about that,” Will admitted softly.

“Yeah me too,” April said.

They were doing it again; dancing around the elephant in the room, but this time it was more like a loud bee buzzing through the phone. One they should have swatted and grabbed. April swatted first.

“I know that seeing Connor and I together was hard,” April said with a regretful confidence.

Will scoffed a bit before saying, “No…hard was watching Jeff and Natalie…watching you and Connor was _hell_.”

“It wasn’t exactly easy for me either Will,” April said.          

There was another silence as Will could feel the rage he still had find new life; building again until April spoke up.

“Last time, you uh-you wouldn’t let me answer so I’m going to answer now,” she said taking a deep breath in, “Why did I push you away?’” she said repeating his question.

“I was so scared; I still am every day when I think about the effect you have on me. I loved Connor I really did, but no one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. I can’t control my emotions or my reactions. I do stupid things like leaving with that guy the night you,me, and Ryan went out….or when I pushed you away. I was barely able to keep myself together after everything that happened and If I had to give myself completely to you like I did that first night we were together…I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to put myself back together if we didn’t work out.”

“That’s the thing April, that's the exact thing I was trying to figure out after you left me sitting in Molly’s,” Will’s voice had begun to crack.

“Will,” April whispered, “I’m so sorry...I made a mistake.”

She wished she could touch him, hold him, but they needed to stand on their own two feet through this and not rely on their physical connection; it was too much.

“I understand why you’re still angry with me, I left you holding the burden when you told me you’d carry anything with me... because that’s what people do when they love each other and I do love you Will Halstead.”

Will could hear her quietly weeping it matched his own quiet tears shed at her admission. He hadn’t left that message for her but there she was saying the very same words to him that he was going to say her.

“I’m going to leave Gaffney and start my internship at U of CM-," April started.

“-You don’t have to do that,” Will interjected.

“No Will, I think I do, you've rearranged so much of your life for me already and it’s clear we can’t be in the same vicinity right now…but um... I’ll wait for you and when you’re ready; find me.”

The phone clicked. Will sat at the table wiping the tears from his face and thinking about a world without her in it.


	12. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April and Will have both taken time to heal but when are they going to find their way back to each other or will they?

Feeling like a pariah around Connor and Natalie allowed Will to form a unique bond with Dr. Charles. They'd spent a few lunches together before Daniel casually and not so casually offered to talk to him on his private time and Will agreed. They discussed Will’s feelings of anger over April and his own behavior as well as the responsibility that he had to take for pulling Natalie into his mess and ultimately not getting out when he realized that April would be back in his life. Will realized that he hadn’t really felt torn because he was in love with two women but that he felt torn because essentially he was doing to Natalie what he felt April was doing to him; using him. Eventually he worked through that as well forgiving himself for letting it get as far as it had. The torn feeling also came from knowing deep down that April had loved him the entire time and that he wasn’t done punishing her for the way the events unfolded. He had to forgive her but _actually_ do it this time. And time helped it aided in clearing up the question of what he needed and what he wanted.

He may have wanted Natalie at one point but he both wanted _and_ needed April his body, his heart, his everything; belonged to her. That’s what three months into spring had told him. His rage dissolved and his head unclouded. Things between him and Natalie were amicable. He and Connor remained tense for a while until finally Connor came around; it happened one day in the elevator, he casually mentioned running into one of the dentists they used to play basketball against. The other doctor had wanted to reunite their game of pick-up and they agreed. Things were as good as they could’ve been with everyone; except April. Her name was unspeakable; ironically an unspoken rule between them, they both just knew better. Eventually Connor no longer had the hurt that he carried in his eyes that day at the restaurant. Strangely enough he had begun dating Dr. Charles’ daughter when she joined the staff. He seemed happy and it showed but the same could not be said of Will he wasn’t angry but that sadness never left and Connor noticed.

“Have you seen her?” Connor asked almost apologetically.

“Who?” Will asked confused.

“April,” Connor said with a half-smile.

A surprise look flashed through Will’s eyes at Connor mentioning She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named before shaking his head no.

“I noticed that you turned down that hot pathologist who asked you out after our game, what was that all about?” Connor asked knowing the answer.

Will just shrugged the emptiness in his eyes a sharp dichotomy to the closed mouth smile he gave Connor. Connor knew the feeling and recognized the look. He shook his head before saying,

 “You are the last person I could’ve seen myself hanging out with…ever,” he said laughing, “And this is the last thing on the earth I thought I would ever hear myself say, but you need to call her.” Connor said giving him a friendly pat on the back.

Will still had the shocked expression on his face and couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Connor smiled again walking off the court before turning around to say,

“Everyone’s moved on Will, it would be a shame if you let her move on without you.”

A small pit formed in Will’s stomach as he thought about April with someone else, but her words; those last words she said to him lingered. _“I’ll wait for you and when you’re ready; find me.”_

In all honesty Will didn’t know if he was ready or even when he would be. The wound she had cast in him had run so deep but it was healing. The anger cast aside replaced now with fear. Will finally had some peace and he was simply too afraid to disturb it. So he decided to do something that was safe; he’d find her, but not approach her. A few weeks after their game he decided to visit the hospital April worked at.

The University of Chicago Medicine's campus was so different from Gaffney’s it felt foreign, misplaced, and wrong to him. It was odd that this could be April’s new home. He walked the halls giving himself a private tour of the grounds. The spring air brought a flowery fragrance that wrapped and circled his nose; it was nice, it relaxed him. The entire “mission” was a shot in the dark. He didn’t know her schedule but he knew she was nursing here now and she would eventually do her training here after she finished medical school. He wondered about that too. Had she gone back? If so how was she doing? Was she studying enough? How did her exams go? Did she feel safe here? Was she happy? He was so caught up in his thoughts that it took him too long to register the light water trickle like laughter coming from the woman descending down the stairs. He ducked his tall frame behind a group of people walking by.

He almost didn’t recognize her. The glowing brown skin was familiar, the slanted doe eyes, and large grin pulled across her face making her shine. It blurred everyone around her. Her long neck appearing even longer from the straightened braid gracefully lying against it; her hair was straight. He’d never seen it that way. Will realized in that moment he was doing it again staring for too long and for a second he thought she saw him. He quickly walked away heading to the subway. He wasn’t ready yet; her presence still overwhelmed him,

_“That isn’t normal I’m not ready ."_

So he stayed away.

* * *

 

When April hung up the phone she thought her chest would cave in. It wasn’t a panic attack but she was more than heartbroken; she was gambling, hoping that maybe he would want to be with her after the dust settled. She knew that what had transpired between the four of them was not right. She had made a mistake pushing Will away, she shouldn’t have started a relationship with Connor it had been completely unfair to him as well as to Natalie; her friend.

In the months to come she sheltered a lot of the blame wallowing in guilt but eventually she came to realize that Will should have backed off his relationship with Natalie too and in some ways he was just as much at fault. This was the second time the denial of their feelings for each other had blown up in their faces and neither of them could handle a third.

April had only one more session with her therapist before she left Gaffney and she needed to finally come clean there too. She had said everything that she needed to about her attack. She didn’t flee anymore from the subject, there were no more “off limits” topics and they had discussed it as thoroughly as she ever would with a stranger.

“You mentioned that you and Connor were no longer dating, were there anymore panic attacks?” Dr. Winkler asked.

“No I never had any panic attacks while we were together,” April answered truthfully.

“Why do you think that is?” he asked raising an eyebrow.

“Honestly, because it wasn’t all of me, there was always pieces of me that never could quite open up to Connor, I think that I have high standards for the way I think people should act and when they don’t meet them I begin closing doors on folks,” April answered with a shrug.

Dr. Winkler’s face looked as though he wanted her to continue so she did.

“Have I ever told you about my parents? I have great parents they have always been very supportive and loving, so loving; you know they took in a friend of mine in high school who was going through a really rough time.” April said nodding. “They could see he was going to be someone special, they have a knack for that, they saw it in my brother Noah too…,” sadness had crept into April’s voice. “But they couldn’t see it me….’You fly too high Icarus,’” April said mimicking her father's voice.

She looked up at Dr. Winkler, “Imagine that huh, your own parents being the first people that you close a door to in your heart and in your head….after they let you down.”

“Did Connor let you down?” he asked.

April nodded, “The first time we dated yes but ultimately I ended up being the one to let him down so….” She exhaled a deep breath.

“Has there been anyone that hasn’t disappointed you?” Dr. Winkler asked with a curious smile.

April shook her head no but then she said, “I had this friend, the one that encouraged me to see you, and he has definitely said things to me in the past that were hurtful and beyond disappointing but when I closed those doors it was like they were made of glass. I could still see him standing there. It was like I could never really cut him off because he 'd become a part of me.”  

April’s eyes were lost in the thought of Will. His fiery hair, his eyes intense one moment, seductive the next, and then so soft and so fragile in a literal blink, the salty-cedar orange zest his skin gave off and his rumbling laugh that seem to come from the depth of him. A place that April felt like she’d been invited to numerous times. A place only she held the invitation to; their little bubble.

Dr. Winkler was watching April who was carried away someplace. He disturbed her quiet to say,

“He sounds like someone who has made an immense impression on you,” Dr. Winkler stated before continuing, “You said ‘had’ are you no longer friends?”

April shrugged because in all honesty she didn’t know what they were. They were like fire and ice one moment and then pure harmony another. The conversation on the phone left everything in Will’s hands and after their encounter in the on-call room she really had no idea where they stood.

“It was him,” April confessed, “I had my first and second panic attacks with him.”

Dr. Winkler nodded as his observations in a past session were finally making things clearer so he asked, “Has there been any other contact between you two?”

April nodded before saying, “But no panic attacks.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Because for the first time in a long time I’m clearer about who I am and what I want and what I can control...and what I can’t.” April said with a closed mouth smile.

The little bird clock that Dr. Winkler kept on his wall sounded a canary cry and the session was over. It would be April’s last since she was closing the door on Gaffney. She shook his hand and thanked him for his help and his time before walking down the stairs to leave. She decided to exit from the front this time. She wasn’t ashamed and she wanted to say goodbye to a few people that she knew she wouldn’t see on her last shift. One of those people was Natalie.

“Hey Nat,” April said, her voice small but confident.

Natalie turned to her the same bittersweet sadness that filled her eyes when she broke up with Will was there.

“April,” she nodded before beginning to walk away.

“I’m sorry Nat,” April blurted out, “We were friends long before there was a me and Connor and-,"

“-And a Will and April?” Natalie shot back quickly.

April absorbed the hit, “Yeah.”

She nodded, “Good luck April, and don’t hurt him this time okay?” Natalie said with a sad smile.

April nodded and smiled. She really didn’t know if there was even going to be a Will and April but she was hopeful somewhere in the future there could be a April and Natalie again.

When April started her new job the off-putting pink scrubs that most of the nurses wore weirded her out and trying to find a decent coffee vendor was rough but eventually she got the hang of things and found her stride. One morning before going into work she decided that she wanted to try something different. She pulled out her flat iron and smoothed out her bouncy coiled curls. Her hair hung in shiny sheets down her shoulders telling stories of each half inch of growth all of it with her. As beautiful as it was it wasn’t practical so she made a French braid allowing the excess to fall down her back.

When she got to work they were hosting the new interns, she recognized some from campus, one girl Sunni, had basically been a class clown but she was brilliant and her quick wit and sharp humor always made April laugh. They were walking down the stairs to the main level. Sunni was telling April about a disastrous date with an architect and April couldn’t contain her laughter over the mess of her night. She rolled her eyes at Sunny and then looked across campus. It was just for a moment but she swore she saw him. His tall frame hovering over a group of people, a grey shirt hugging his chest, his red hair popping against the drab-colored surroundings, but then just like that he was gone. She thought of Will often but as the months had stretched she wondered if he would ever call her would he ever find her? Did he even want to? 


	13. Solutions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April and Will haven't seen each other in months and it seems like the pair are not going to find their way back to each other but a not so chance meeting allows for a possibility between them but will they take it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the three people that followed this but that's it! Sextead or bust! LOL

April couldn’t get the image of Will maybe or maybe not being at the hospital out of her mind. She could’ve sworn it was him and the idea thumped around in her head. Eventually it made her move her hand, and then her fingers, to dial his number. Her finger circled the call button over his name in her contact list; teasing the touchscreen causing it to light and then go dark.

She said that she wanted him to find her and she meant it. He had to be the one to seek her out;to show that he had forgiven her, that he’d let go of his anger.

She wasn’t ready to move on with anyone new; regardless of where he was in his life, but just thinking about him with someone else hurt and that was a clear indicator for her that she would still wait, but even still; she missed him.

She missed his laugh, she missed the way he would walk up behind her, almost out of nowhere, always watching, always hovering like a guardian. It made her feel safe and she missed his touch; soft, delicate, and sensational.

But during the months of the foursomes’ friendship it had all but dissipated. His laughter deadened because of all the envy and emotional chaos. His watchfulness had turned into a glare. His touch transformed now rough and hasty to deliver his pain.

She contemplated all of it and realized that anyone sane would stay away, but she still had to know where they stood. Her own torment had to end as well. She couldn’t be stuck fixating over shadows and ghosts of a man that may have wanted absolutely nothing to do with her anymore. Her pointer finger trembled over the digital button before she pressed it. Each vibration and ring made her hold her breath before finally the messaging system began. Hearing the sound of Will’s voice made her heart pound and she thought about not leaving a message but courage forced her voice.

………

Will stepped out of the shower massaging the towel through his wet hair as the beads of water quickly ran to each other and then dripped off his body; some hanging for dear life to the hairs on his legs.

The shower was invigorating after a good run. He’d made a ritual of running in the mornings. It had eased his tension after the first time he and Natalie made love and it was an aid when he was dealing with his anger for April; a solution that had now turned into a hobby.

He needed it; especially after the overwhelming feeling of seeing her again. He had thought about her during his run and the immense feeling of seeing her face, her hair, her glowing skin; hearing her laugh. It had all been so much to process even after having no contact with her for months on end.

Why did his heart break and restore at the exact same moment when he saw her? What kind of person could have that effect on someone?

He could keep running hoping that he could outpace it or he could make a decision and let her go, let her be happy, and not see her again. But would he be doing it for her or himself? Will could find a love that was safer less scary.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and walked across the hall to his bedroom. The light on his phone was blinking and the signal caught the corner of his eye as he was getting his clothes from the drawer. He sat down on the bed flipping the phone over to see the missed call and voicemail notification. His heart skipped a beat at the name and quickly his mind went to his near sighting at the hospital.

_"Did she see me?"_

He wasn’t ready then and he wasn’t ready now. He swiped the notification away and got dressed before going into work; her faint presence humming in the back of his head.

After his shift when he arrived home he was tired and weary from pulling a double. Will would repeat that schedule again and again and it would be days later before his thoughts carried him to his phone to the voicemail he was avoiding.

Finally after getting a day off, and taking a run to clear his head, his thoughts concluded that he needed to let April go. He’d picked serenity, safety, and really cowardice over her.

He stared at his phone like a foreign object he thought about deleting the message and not listening to it, after all he had made his decision, but then he realized that it might be the last time he would hear her speak so with great trepidation he pushed the number one down on his phone listening to the robotic secretary.

You have one unheard message;

_“Hi Will, it’s me. You probably already knew that though….Funny thing, I could’ve sworn I saw you the other day when I was at work and I thought that finally you had decided to see me…but I guess not…”_

He could hear the light and casual laugh between her pauses like she was smiling until she got to the end and her tone transitioned and the sadness traveled through the phone.

_“It’s been months and people only need that kind of time if they are working through their stuff and hoping to get over things…. or people…and I think that it’s the latter with you. I had hoped you would seek me out in some way sooner or later but it’s clear that you’re not going to. I really wish things could’ve been different, truly…..so…..take care yourself Will.”_

It was only at the end of the message when he heard his phone beep and the list of commands began for the message that he realized he had been holding his breath; and then the panic set in. He thought he wanted to let her go, but hearing her voice, and knowing she had finally given up made him feel like the tether he had to her had been completely cut.He was free falling and it pushed a jolt of energy in him that he couldn’t have anticipated.

He flew out of his bedroom door, tumbling down his stairs to the living room, speeding past Ryan sitting on the couch, finally leaping down the stairs of his brownstone. He was running between his attempts at trying to catch a cab before one finally caught him.

His legs twitched and bounced in the car as irrational thoughts of being able to outrun the rate of the cab went through his head.

He was almost to her house hoping and praying to god and all the gods he’d made up that she was home. He made it up the elevator and to her door knocking rapidly and repeatedly. His breath still labored as the knob twisted opening the door.

There she stood; her hair in brilliant waves, the length shown through its newly straightened status, all of it framing her perfect face, and extensive neck, her eyes wide at his appearance.

“Will,” April’s voice was slightly hollow, confused, but surprised.

He stared at her a moment before saying,

“It was me... I was there, at the hospital…your hospital.”

She blinked recalling the fleeting moment she thought she saw him; wishing that he would find her. Instead she searched his eyes hoping that somewhere deep within in him was the same need she had to be together but he looked almost panicked, conflicted, and confused.

“Please,” April opened the door wider to let him in.

She felt a strange worry. April really had no idea what he was going to say; and the last time they had actually seen each other the exchange was frenzied, raw, and heartbreaking and here he stood in her house with almost the same look in his eyes minus the anger.

“Can I get you something to drink?” April said turning to him.

She didn’t know what else to do or say so she relied on cordiality and manners. Will nodded in the familiar way she was used to so she filled two glasses with water before sitting across from him in her living room. They drank the water in an eerie silence slightly tense with anticipation but muddied with nervousness.  

“I got your message," Will said breaking the silence but not the eye contact he was trying to make with her.

She had been staring at a small stone elephant statue on her coffee table hoping to get lost in the swirls of the marbling and flee from the thoughts of his visit; a visit that could very well end it all. She gave a small nod still looking at the elephant her eyes traced its back, a small crack that lead to the figurines ears.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking and just doing a lot of work to try and get over everything; mostly my anger with you.” He was growing concerned that she wouldn’t look at him.

“I had to forgive myself for the mess I put Natalie in and you too; I think that I’ve been able to do that.”

He was trying to connect to her but she still was looking at that damn elephant. He continued.

“And I know I already apologized but I need to say I’m sorry again…about the on-call room, you’ve been through a lot and it was insensitive of me."

Will’s head was in a slant to the side still trying to get her to look at him his concern growing into a frustrated intrigue.

“April-," Will said slightly gruffly.

She got up quickly her eyes darting back and forth as she tried not to cry. She felt like he was making peace to an end. It was okay if he didn’t want to be with her; actually it wasn’t but she understood. She could deal with his absence but Will showing up just to tell her that he had mended himself and was ready to move on without her felt like a million pounds crushing her. He stood up slowly tracing her steps as she got closer to the kitchen.

“I saw you that day at the hospital but I just…I couldn’t say hello I just knew that-,"

“-Will you really didn’t have to come all this way to tell me that you were done,” April said trying but failing at keeping her sadness hidden.

She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and put her glass in the sink.

“A phone call would’ve worked,” she said looking down.

 He had moved into the kitchen and she felt like there was now no way to hide her pain. The invitation to his world was mailed again when she heard his laugh, deep from within him, a laugh she hadn’t heard in a long time.

“I didn’t come here to tell you I was done.” Will moved closer to her getting her to turn and face him.

She felt foolish but she’d had so much heartbreak she didn’t dare to even jump to the obvious conclusion. A lonely tear slid from one of her eyes as he gently used his hand to tilt her chin up to face him. She finally looked him in the eyes.

“Then why are you here?” April asked meekly.

“To find you,” he said leaning in to kiss her.

When her lips met his it was almost surreal; an action that didn’t seem like it would ever happen again, but here they were his lips; soft and grazing hers before pressing against them. It was reminiscent of their first kiss and more so when his other hand glided up her neck until both hands cradled her chin.

He didn’t even realize the magnitude of what he was cradling, more than her face; he was cradling her heart and their world in those hands; in that kiss. Her hands slid up his arms overlapping her fingers in the small spaces and gaps between his own and the kiss deepened.

His tongue entered her mouth first and a warm light burst through her body tingling down to her toes. Her tongue converged with his lightly dancing slowing and then escalating. They both pulled away simultaneously realizing where their kissing was headed but not knowing if they should cross that line again.

“I don’t know if we should-," April started.

“-I know,” Will said his breath labored and matching hers.

There was an odd disparity in their tones the physical need for each other was not paralleled to their need to be responsible in the moment. They didn’t just want each other they needed the other like a machine that couldn’t properly function without the pieces being put together. April cracked first pulling Will’s face to her and kissing him again. He returned the feeling with the same enthusiasm as he could feel her tug on the loops of his jeans.

 “I want to….I need to,” she said as he broke away.

He could never say no, not to being with her. He nodded and kissed her again as she used the hold on his jeans to pull him to her bedroom.

He moved the soft fluffy waves of hair from her neck to plant tiny delicate kisses down the tower of brown skin. He stopped only for a moment to inhale the smell of her; the coconuts, vanilla, and her perfume light like candied strawberries laced with the cedar orange zest of his own fragrance merged as he stared at her. She stopped to look at him too. His dark eyes hung in admiration at her they were gentle as he no longer felt fear just safety. He smiled unable to contain his joy and the contagion carried to her as the grin mirrored her face.

He pulled the tank top she was wearing up and over her head revealing the perky uncovered breasts underneath. Miles upon miles of warm-dark skin glowed and radiated expressing the complete feeling April had inside. When she tugged up and then pulled off Will’s shirt she was taken aback at the lean frame underneath. He was still in good shape but more sinewy then before; the result of months of running; running to relieve to his stress, his pain, and then ultimately running to her.

She slowly tickled and traced her fingers down each nook, bump, and ridge of the muscles on his chest, stomach, and shoulders. She touched him like she needed to know he was real. A closed mouth smile stretched across Will’s face as he watched her discover him again.

“What?” he asked almost as if he didn’t realize the answer.

“You’re beautiful.” April answered simply and precisely.

He smiled again pulling her by the back of the neck to kiss her again and then pushing her down on the bed and rolling on top of her.

“I am not the beautiful one here,” Will said kissing her cheek then working his face towards her neck and chest before wrapping his mouth around a pert nipple.

He focused there sucking and flicking it with his tongue before she rolled them over and positioned herself on top.

She wanted to do something to him that she never had, something she never thought she could. She let her fingernails run down his stomach lightly scratching the ripples; sending shocks of pleasure all the way up his neck, and through his groin that began to stiffen at her proximity to it.

When April undid his pants she had to use both hands to get ahold of its width. She felt like a snake practically unhinging her jaw to consume it. The wet-warmth from around her mouth immediately sent tingles to Will’s pelvis as he tried to contain it but a loud groan escaped from him as more and more heat traveled the length of his dick. He let her go as long as he could possibly stand before coming undone.

Will pulled her off of him; he wanted to finish inside her. He let her straddle him as he pressed his hips up into her pulling her down into the momentum.

“Will,” she moaned; her tone growing louder as she grinded into him, "WILL, WILL! WILL!”

“-Will!” Ryan yelled as he loudly knocked on the door to his bedroom.

The phone was still in his hands the digital secretary repeating the list of commands to archive, save, or delete the message. Maybe all of that could’ve happened, maybe all of that would’ve happened, it probably should’ve happened if he had not still been sitting like a stone on the edge of his bed; his fantasy disrupted by Ryan calling his name and not April.

“Hey, sorry to bug you I have to head to the jeweler’s but afterward I’m stopping to get some shawarma, do you want anything?” Ryan asked, he looked almost concerned

Will’s eyes were far and away.

“Uh- yeah sure just get me whatever you’re getting,” Will answered snapping back into reality.

Will had made up his mind. He had made the decision to stay away and let her go and even though she was under his skin, in his thoughts, and could still make his pulse rise in more than one way he had peace and he was going to hold onto it. He deleted the message and got up handing Ryan some cash from his back pocket. He was making the right decision…. _right?_

When Ryan returned he came with shawarma and Keerie. She didn’t stay often, not since her apartment fire, but when she did Will tried to be out. He didn’t want to embarrass either her or Ryan by telling them that he could hear them so he found another solution; earplugs. When he arose the next morning he was ready to go for a run. Will planned to ask Ryan if he wanted to go too, but he was in the kitchen with Keerie swinging her around as she wiped tears away from her eyes, but she was beaming.

“Is everything okay?” Will asked with an inquisitive smile.

“It’s perfect,” Keerie sniffled.

She raised her hand and flipped it over to showcase the shiny bauble on her ring finger. Ryan had asked her to marry him.

“Wow, congratulations guys,” Will said walking over to shake Ryan’s hand and then to bend down to give Keerie a hug.

Will decided to hold off his run to have a bit of breakfast with them to celebrate as Keerie had insisted.

“Ryan, can you grab that down for me?” Keerie asked pointing up and giving the pancake mix one last twirl of her spoon.

Ryan got up from the table and pulled down a griddle that was sitting all the way on top of the cabinets. He looked at it confused.

“I didn’t even know we had this, this is a nice griddle Will,” Ryan stated looking over to him as he wiped dust off of it.

Will cocked his head to the side realizing that it wasn’t his, it was April’s; the same one that she had waited to get a new piece for the day she put her hand in the box of used dentures. She must have left it in her hurry to leave.

“I think that belongs to April,” Will said succinctly looking back down at his paper.

Ryan nodded and rinsed it off for Keerie to use. She finished cooking them all breakfast and they sat down to eat; being almost too lovey-dovey and cute for Will to handle. Keerie noticed him roll his eyes; she narrowed her own at him and said,

“You know Will I haven’t seen Natalie in a while,” she implored as Ryan kissed her cheek.

“That’s because we broke up,” Will admitted.

“Aw, I’m sorry, I liked Natalie,” Keerie frowned.

“I did too but-," Will started.

“-But she wasn’t the one,” Ryan said cutting him off.

Will shrugged and nodded at Keerie as she looked up at Ryan and nestled her head in the gap of his neck.

“She’s out there Will,” Keerie stated lazily she sounded almost drunk off her own happiness.

“Yeah _she_ is,” Ryan said certainly his eyes widened then went small.

Keerie looked up at Ryan intrigued at his tone. Will let out a sigh and got up rinsing his plate and then thanked Keerie for making breakfast before telling the lovebirds to leave the rest of the dishes for him. He had abstained from eating too much. He still needed to run; his mind had wandered into the deep end with that little fantasy of April.

……..

Every time the phone rang April had hoped that it would be Will returning her call but as the weeks passed her hope dwindled. Hope soon turned to sorrow and one night after a phone call with her mother she flat out sobbed that it hadn’t been him.

The rejection was felt and it ran deep but she had to respect his wishes and she realized this must’ve been what he wanted. She repeated that behavior a few nights in a row trying to return her sorrow to hope; a hope that she could heal and move on. She felt defeated and she needed to attempt to focus on something else to try and begin to piece together her broken heart. So she kept herself busy, working out, reading, and shopping.

After getting back from a grocery trip she used her free hand to pull out her keys to get the mail. She rode the elevator up to her place getting through her door and putting away her groceries. She plopped down on her sofa to go through the stack. Bill. Bill. Bill. Junk. Junk. Nothing remarkable until she got to a champagne colored envelope.

_The presence of your company is requested at the behest of Ryan Casten and Keerie Jones_

_Saturday the 20 th of May at _

_Room 1520_

_1520 W. Fulton St, Chicago, IL 60607_

_To join them in the celebration of their engagement._

April smiled at the invitation but then stopped as the thought of Will flew into her mind. There was a definite possibility that he would be attending too; it only made sense if she was invited surely he was as well. She went back in forth in her mind about whether or not she would go; always landing on no.

The week of the engagement party she’d stopped by to see her counselor to sign up for school. Seeing her high GPA and walking the halls of the building rejuvenated something inside her, she had goals a future a part from Will, a part from love, and she could focus again on that. 

Her thoughts no longer went to Parker or her assault. The halls and labs reminded her of her strength and her determination. She had a future; she was going to be Dr. April Layton Sexton.

The night before the event she was dancing around her apartment celebrating signing up for school and getting her financial aid approved for the fall. April was finally getting her life back on track when she saw a yellow dress peeking from within her closet one she had never worn but brought back from Brazil when she visited for her aunt’s funeral. Maybe it was the freedom felt from the music or the shots of rum she took while sashaying around her apartment but in that moment she decided she would go to that party.

The next day April awoke to the dress draped against a chair in her bedroom a reminder of her decision. The liquid courage was gone and the doubt was creeping in but she committed to it. There was always the slim chance that he wouldn’t be there or that they wouldn’t see each other at all.

These thoughts revolved around her head while she got dressed and ready to leave. April drove down to the venue and had a valet park her car before going up.

“This isn’t about you, this isn’t about Will,” she whispered to herself, “Remember this is Ryan’s night.”

Will was stuck in a corner talking to yet another high-pitched voiced woman that couldn’t be anyone other than a relative of Keeries’. All the women of her family had the same mice like squeak, and the room was steadily turning into a mischief as more arrived screaming and shrieking at Keerie’s ring. He smiled and nodded sliding out of the conversation to escape and grab another drink from the open bar.

When he turned around his eyes gravitated toward the yellow-gold that stuck out in a sea of greys, blues, and hazy patterns. The glow of her skin against the dress muted everyone again, her hair flowing down her shoulders in long bouncy waves. She kept her jewelry minimal except a pair of studs that did nothing to disrupt the bareness of her shoulders or the sweetheart neckline of the dress. Will’s heart began to race at the sight of her and he thought about running but any decision he would’ve made was thwarted when Ryan walked over with her.

“Hey look whose here!” he said ecstatically.

Will's cheeks flushed and so did April’s; none of it lost on Ryan who had his arm around April’s shoulder, and the other hand around Keerie’s waist who seemed equally as happy to have April there.

“Hi Will,” April said confidently. 

It was more confidence than she actually had, dress or no dress, new hair or no new hair, it was _Will_ and she was still in love with him and her heart was being held together with cheap scotch tape.

“April….it’s good to see you,” Will said nervously.

He had a smile on his face but it was an anxious one. Ryan let his arm fall from April’s shoulder. His response hurt April. If he was trying to avoid her then this behavior was in line with it.

“Keerie I think your dad needs something,” Ryan half mumbled as they walked away.

The familiar feeling of a set up was falling upon April and Will as he rolled his eyes at the realization and she looked away; another jab to fragile heart by Will’s reaction. But they were there so she decided to be polite and stay for a moment April couldn’t handle much more than that.

“How have you been Will?” April asked honestly.

“I’ve been good,” he answered.

“You look good,” April said almost apologetically.

It wasn’t just a pleasantry it was the truth his wavy-fiery auburn hair was messy but it was a lovely juxtaposition to his fitted attire. Will didn’t dress up often but tonight he had on a really nice sport coat, one that was tailored to the strong lines of his shoulders, and his shirt was fitted beautifully underneath his pencil tie. His smoke grey pants hugged his shapely thighs and barely skimmed the even shapelier package.

“Thanks,” he said with a smile, _"God so do you"_ he thought.

“I’ve been running a lot with Ryan.” He admitted.

“It shows,” April said trying to remain neutral.

She wanted to feel his chest to feel exactly what running was doing for him but it was off limits to her now so she tried her best to put her desire away. Will was watching her watch him and it allowed him to cover the tempted feel to remark at how amazing she looked in that dress. Like a golden statue. He broke up the building tension by casually asking,

“How have you been? How’s the new job going?” he asked justly.

She thought of the memory of maybe seeing him there and she smiled to herself before replying. She wanted to ask if that was him but it was really a moot point if it was he’d made a decision not to make contact and the reminder stung. The scotch tape was slipping off.

“It took a little while to get used to, but it’s going really well. It’s a great teaching hospital so in a couple of years when I’m done with medical school I can start my training there," April answered enthusiastically.

“So when are you going back?” Will asked genuinely curious.

Her happiness was still very contagious and he couldn’t help but smile with her at her news. April began to answer but then she caught sight of a familiar but not desired face popping up from the crowd. It was Brett; the reactionary hook-up who was the catalyst to her first blow up with Will, ultimately leading them to reveal their feelings for each other but that was not going to be the case again. This was an added complication she wanted nothing to do with. He saw her and they made eye contact.

“Um- I’m sorry I have to go,” April said swiftly turning away.

 She quickly excused herself to duck out. She decided she would find Ryan thank him for inviting her and then get the hell out of dodge.

Will stood a little confused, but ultimately he had to suck it up, after all he was the one that did not contact her, and at this point he’d made it pretty clear he wasn’t going to. He watched the golden statue walk away; walk out of his life, and the first pang of regret hit him.

Ryan spotted April heading to the door as he realized she and Will were no longer in conversation. His plan was failing so he pulled out another trick.

“Hey April, you aren’t leaving yet are you?” Ryan asked racing in front of her.

“Yeah," she answered apologetical, "I was just about to find you to say goodbye and to thank you for inviting me," April said diffidently.

“Can I ask you a favor?” Ryan started, “I drove Will and Keerie here but I underestimated the amount of champagne I was going to have. Do you think you can you take Will home?”

Before April could answer Ryan put two fingers in his mouth and whistled; grabbing Will’s attention and sadly Brett’s too. Will walked over with Brett not too far behind, trying to get through the clusters of people. April began to panic watching the two men walk her way. Will made it over first.

“April is going to give you a ride back to the house. I’m going to crash at Keerie’s tonight so…,” Ryan said not being too vague.

“I can always catch a cab home, you don’t have to go out of your way,” Will said rationally looking over to April.

“Yeah but this way she can get her griddle back,” Ryan said using his last wild card.

“Oh, that’s where that is?!” April said caught off guard.

Ryan nodded, “So let’s get her reunited with that!”  He exclaimed before Brett came up and intruded.

“Where are we going?”  Brett asked enthusiastically but cluelessly.

Will looked to the stranger confused as April’s cheeks burned and she darted her eyes away trying not to make eye contact with him again. She had to get out of there.

Ryan grabbed Brett’s shoulders and turned him around, “We aren’t going anywhere,” he said sharply as he began walking them away but then he turned to April and Will.

“It was good seeing you April, hopefully I’ll see you again before the wedding!”

April waved and smiled as she mouthed the words “thank you” at Ryan for getting Brett away from her, he winked and the group separated. She and Will walked down to the front of the building, April handed the valet her ticket and they waited in silence until her car arrived.

“Did you know that guy?” Will asked.

“Not really,” April said looking away shamefully.

Not much was said in the car ride over. It was sad to April that even their friendship had been destroyed too. For Will’s part he found himself doing the same stupid things he always had done but it was hard not to. She was so beautiful and she looked amazing. He was back to stealing looks from the corner of his eye.

They arrived at the brownstone. April parked her car and they walked up to his porch. Will pulled his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door and walked in. He was setting his keys down and flicking the switch to the lights when he realized he was alone in his living room she hadn’t even followed him in; April was waiting on his porch. He turned around with a small but perplexed smirk.

“April, you can come in," he said with a light laugh laced with a bit of confusion.

She shrugged as an insecure smile appeared across her face. The unwanted feeling had really spread to all parts of their relationship and for the second time tonight the weight of his decision hung upon Will. Immediately he felt regretful, it had all obviously gone too far if she didn’t even feel welcome in his home, a place that was once her home too.

When she got into the house she headed to the kitchen like she was on a mission; looking around to get the griddle and then go. She’d had enough; she needed to go home and just cry. Will noticed the rushed look in her eyes as he was leaning against the archway watching her like he used to, realizing this may be the last time he would see her.

“I think it’s on the top of the cabinet closest to the fridge," Will said quietly but still watching her.

 April walked over but even standing at five feet eight inches with an extra two inches of high heels she still could not reach. She awkwardly hopped on her heels to grab the griddle down her frustration threatening the tape.

Will walked up behind her in the familiar way she was used to him doing at the hospital and grabbed the griddle down. His arm going over her shoulder to place the machine on the counter; the full weight of his body was pressed against her back. His arm was paralleled to hers almost resting on top of it; until it was. His breath against her neck made her sigh. It felt good, like home, but it was more of a warm bed before being forced to venture out to the cold and the realization was crushing her; the last of April’s metaphorical scotch tape was falling away and her emotions couldn’t hold still.

He let out an identical sigh as he let his hand intertwine with hers. They stood there with the stark realization that the last time they had been this close was in the on-call room. This could not be that.

“I miss you,” he admitted remorsefully.

Slowly he let his chin rest upon the top of her head.

“Do _you_?” April answered almost accusingly.

The last of her confidence diminished; she was barely holding the tears back. She let his hand go and pulled away.

“You aren’t the only one who’s afraid April,” Will admitted shamefully.

This wasn’t fair and he should have known better than to toy with her like this. He’d had his chance to explain himself and he chose not to.

“I should go,” she said trying to keep the tears in but they filled her eyes anyway.

“I don’t want you to go,” he said moving over to her.

He pulled her face in for a kiss and she returned it in before quickly pulling away.

“Don’t do this to me,” April said as the first tear fell down her eye.

“I _need_ you,” Will pleaded.

He pulled her back into the kiss; she was lost in it, in him, until she realized this may be all there was. It wasn’t fair. It may not have been exactly like the on-call room but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t really him it wasn’t what she needed.

“NO!” She said through her tears.

“Please,” he whispered pulling her closer.

 “Why?! Because you want to have sex with me? You can’t keep punishing me Will, not like this,” April said backing away from him the tears were falling freely now.

He still had a hold of her hand as she tried to pull away from him. He gently squeezed it but she snatched it away. The full magnitude of his decision to delete her message; to avoid her; to keep his simple peace was being seen. Witnessing her heartbreak was not a part of his plan and he couldn’t let her leave, not again, not without telling her the truth.

“I have to go,” she cried walking to the doorway of the kitchen.

“If you leave I’ll assume it’s because you don’t want me,” Will blurted out the familiar words they both had said to each other too many times, “And I know you want me, I know you love me…because I love you,” Will admitted.

He’d moved closer to her after each admission running both his hands up her neck cradling her face again going for another kiss but this one against her cheek where the first tear had fallen and then to the other side to absorb the other tear. He pulled back to look her in the eye to see her face at his revelation. Her eyes were vulnerable as her hands wrapped around his wrists with familiarity.

“Why are you avoiding me?” she whispered.

He shook his head, “You scare me …but not as much as the idea of you walking out of here and me never seeing you again does….I don’t think I _can_ live without you, I don’t _want_ to.” His eyes were equally as vulnerable.

“Do you hear me? I love you,” he said, his lips grazing the tops of hers.

 Will finally disclosing his truth was lifting the weight from both of them. She moved closer to kiss him allowing herself to completely get lost in the embrace. She finally felt safe enough to be able to do so. They stood there in the kitchen kissing deeper and deeper falling into each other.

Will grazed his hand up the back of her dress to find the zipper before slowly sliding it down. The dress fell to April’s feet in a pile as she stepped back and out of it kicking it aside. Will looked her up and down marveling again at his amazing fortune at being with anyone that could actually be that beautiful. He pulled her waist toward him kissing her again and turning her almost dance-like but it was to lead her up the stairs to his bedroom.

His sport coat was on the stairs as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the first button up top. April was working on the bottom of his shirt taking in the newly defined parts of his body that hadn’t been so lean before. They finally made it under his blankets stark naked but passionate and excited to be together. It had been a while for both of them and his size hadn’t been lost on April either. As he lay on top of her slowly moving in and out of her she whispered between moans.

“Say it again,” she asked.

Will kissed her neck pushing himself into her and bringing his mouth close to her ear to say,

“Say what again?” he asked going back to kissing her neck.

“I love you,” April said with a smile.

He smiled and brought his forehead to hers thrusting into faster than before,

“I love you,” he said with a labored breath followed by another quick thrust.

“Again,” April said gasping at each heavy drive into her.

“I love you,” he said pushing into her again, smiling.

The intense feeling was back rivaled only by pleasure. April would ask him again with a gasp and he would oblige with a drive into her over and over and over again until finally,

“God I love you,” Will groaned into her mouth as he came.

His forehead was against hers as he allowed the rest of his body to collapse on top of her as she gave him a small kiss on the cheek sliding her mouth to his ear to say.

“I love you too.”

They fell asleep tightly curled up like two puzzle pieces glued together. When she awoke the next morning he was already awake practically unmoving except to stroke her hair. She looked up at him.

“It’s like the world’s softest cotton,” he said smiling and looking down at her.

“What is?” she asked.

“Your hair,” Will answered with a smile.

She had meant to at least braid it but they fell asleep so it was wildly splayed across his chest and he seemed happy to be draped in it. They both laid there basking in a mutual peace they had finally attained until the familiar smell of pancakes traveled up to the stairs and slithered under the crack in the door up into their noses.

“You smell that?” Will said almost surprised.

April nodded and he gave her some pajama pants and t-shirt to wear. They both descended down the stairs to see Ryan making coffee and Keerie flipping pancakes.

“Wow two days in a row I feel spoiled April,” Ryan said feigning surprise.

He was all too pleased with himself at his handiwork. Will rolled his eyes as April’s cheeks scorched. Will might’ve felt similar to April but he had earplugs to remind him there was nothing to be ashamed of. He led April in by the hand and sat her down at the table.

“I hope you don’t mind us getting one more use out of this awesome griddle,” Keerie confessed sheepishly.

“Yeah I was kind of shocked to see it…. still here….," Ryan tapered off giggling, “Oh and you left this by the stairs…although I’m not sure if this was in the kitchen or…"Ryan teased as he handed April her dress.

“Okay,” Will said shooting a look over to Ryan.

April blushed again before looking to Keerie and saying, “Oh no I’m glad someone’s gotten some use out of it, I completely forgot where I’d put it...and thank you.”

She snatched the dress and put it behind her seat. Keerie set four plates down and served everyone. April was still quiet a light hum coupled with a warm feeling from each kiss Will had given her last night was enough to make her smile and then stop. Will was periodically looking at her with an identical serenity on his face.

“Oh my god,” Ryan remarked; laughing and shaking his head.

“Ryan,” Keerie chastised him in a serious tone but she had a smile on her face.

From Ryan’s point of view this was hilarious because he never understood how Will and April weren’t a couple even when he was with Natalie. He liked Natalie but he could see it the first time he met the pair and more so when they all had went out. It had come as such a shock to him when Will said that they were only friends, so for Ryan finally seeing them together was like the world figuring out the answer to one plus one.

They would continue their brunch get-togethers over the next year and half, as much as they could with their busy schedules, until Ryan graduated from law school and moved out.

The time had flown quickly with Keerie and Ryan putting the finishing touches on their wedding. Will and April were both in attendance drinking dancing and absorbing the jubilant atmosphere of love. The reception was filled with happy energy and the not so unnoticeable mice-like-squeaks coming from Keeries’ family members that filled the dancehall when the deejay called all the single women to the floor to catch Keeries’ bouquet. April sat at her table unbothered by the ritual; she wasn’t against it she just didn’t care until Keerie popped over, her veil in hand pointing at April and curling her finger for her to come over. April sighed as she would not deny the bride on her day a favor. April stood in the middle of the crowd as Keerie turned her back to the group of ladies and pretended to throw her bouquet in a fake-out moment. The action made all the women besides April take a step back until Keerie threw it and it landed in front of April all the women were beaming and laughing at their planned synchronization. April stood with the white roses in her hand awkwardly smiling and then returning to her seat. Will was coming back from the bathroom and he was laughing at April.

“Shut up,” April grumbled.

“Her family is something else aren’t they?” Will said smiling.

They enjoyed a couple more songs before April’s yawns prompted Will to take her home. He grabbed her purse opening it to retrieve her keys.

“I’ll drive sleepy-head,” he said laying a kiss on her forehead.

April was nodding in and out of consciousness until she realized they had been driving for too long. The reception venue was not far from her neighborhood and she didn’t recognize it as being Will’s when the car stopped in front of a house that didn’t belong to either of them.

“Where are we Will?” April asked confused and half asleep.

“You’ll see,” Will said cryptically.

He pulled a small key out of his pocket and got of the car. He walked over to her side and opened the door. She took his hand and got out still wondering where the hell they were at.

Will unlocked the front door and immediately the soaring ceilings made April feel tiny. The ornate craftsmanship of the space was almost overwhelming, it was striking; beautiful. The place was completely bare aside from a large dining room table.

“You know Will, Oprah says never let them take you to the second location,” she joked.

A deep genuine laugh sprang from Will and he gave her a kiss but he also seemed a little nervous.

“No but seriously, where are we? Whose house is this?” April asked looking him in the eye.

“Home... and ours,” Will said almost cautiously but succinctly.

April cocked her head to the side.

“Hear me out,” he started as he took her hand and walked her over to the dining table, “This place could be ours, Ryan is gone and I know that your lease is up in a few weeks, this place is right between Gaffney and U of CM.” He still had a nervous smile.

He flipped over a picture on the table, it was of them at his place when they lived together. 

“I mean we know we work well as roommates,” he said flipping another photo over, “As friends,” he said showing his copy of their silly photos together.

“As lovers,” he flipped over another photo of them kissing, “And of course as colleagues.”

Will had a crude photo-shopped image of he and April at work but her scrubs had a white coat over it to show her soon-to-be status as a doctor. She giggled at the photo already completely won over by the gesture but there was still one more photo faced down. His fingers tapped it nervously.

“And…” April started, “What’s under this one?”

“And maybe….” Will started as he flipped over the last picture. “As husband and wife.”

The last photo was him holding a sign that said “Will you marry me?” April gasped at the picture then she looked over to Will who had a tiny black box in his hand. This was not how April saw the night going and all of sudden she understood Keeries’ insistence that she catch the bouquet she was actually as subtle as a sledgehammer. April stood in shock for so long that Will was succumbing to his nervousness and terror.

“April, um you’re scaring me,” Will said.

“Oh no, no, no, I mean yes, I mean sorry I’m scaring you and yes, yes I’ll marry you,” she said with a laugh.

Will let out the loudest sigh she had ever heard as he pulled her toward him to give her a kiss on the forehead then her lips. He brought the little box back out and cracked it open to show her the ring consisting of yellow topaz and diamonds in a circular clustered pattern.

“It’s my birthstone,” April said with a surprise.

“I know,” Will said sliding the ring on her finger, “Let me show you the rest of the house.”

He gave her the full tour as they imagined the days to come, Will envisioned April bouncing and dancing around the kitchen, April pictured her and Will cuddled up the couch while watching a movie in front of the fireplace; a small chair to plop down into after a long run or even longer shift by the door. They were both seeing a world they had created a world coming to life, a world that belonged only to April and Will.

The end.


End file.
